Secret of Successful Weight Loss Clinic: Tape Worms

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Huh, that must be Chinese for Tasty
Huh, that must be Chinese for Tasty

CARINGTON, IL – Recent controversy regarding a famous weight loss clinic, Let’s Knock It Off!, has the media in a buzz.  Let’s Knock It Off! has been an up-and-coming weight-loss empire, with many Hollywood success stories.

Perennial weight-gainer/weight-loser, Kirstie Alley, has been one of the biggest advocates of the clinic stating, “Once I visited the clinic I dropped 50 lbs in 2 months!  They were VERY adamant that I return for the final treatment.  In fact I forgot about it and they came to my door with the final pills.  What service!”

Just about everyone that has been through the weight-loss clinic has had success.  “You just eat this bland mush and then 2-3 months later they give you these pills, mebendazole or something like that,” said Alley.  “The best part of the diet is that they recommend you eat as much as you want.  I actually was eating more than I normally do, and I still lost weight!”

Local resident and patron, Janice Forthrunner, told reporters, “Since I have been going, our whole family has lost weight!  Even some of our friends have too.  I guess this new lifestyle is contagious [starts to giggle]. That reminds me, I have to get some belts and pick up some more hand soap today…”

After about two years in business, the CDC was alarmed at the giant spike in Illinois’ mebendazole prescriptions.  This led the EPA and CDC to do a thorough check on the water supply.  “These tape worm eggs are transferred mainly via the fecal-oral route, primarily through the drinking water,” Carl Stitchens, a lead scientist at the CDC, told reporters.

Once the water was cleared they followed all the prescriptions with help from the Affordable Care Act and the NSA.  “All roads led to Let’s Knock It Off!, the infamous weight loss clinic,” Carl stated.  “We had to unfortunately shut it down.  Most of us were success stories of this weight loss clinic.  In fact if this practice were legal we would recommend it to our friends.”

Photo by fairychav.

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Evelyn Newberry

    Tapeworms, right?

  • Avatar

    Worms in natural juices just sounds so tasty!

  • Avatar
    Sarah Kohrmann

    I’d consider it. ;)

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