ATLANTA, GA – In a move that is sure to spark controversy and protest, the CDC released Proposition 23.4 yesterday which grants state governments the right to quarantine unvaccinated families. According to the proposal, state governments will “have the right to erect closed communities” in order to isolate unvaccinated families from the public.
“We’re losing the battle on convincing people to get vaccines through science and facts. The next best approach is to quarantine disease vectors,” said CDC spokesman Dr. Tina Krysinski. “In this case the vectors are unvaccinated humans.”
The quarantine will only be enacted for people and families who have not been vaccinated due to bogus philosophical or religious reasons, as to not punish individuals who have true allergies or medical reasons not to receive vaccines. “Toxins,” autism, “I don’t want to,” and celebrity posts will not be legitimate reasons accepted by state governments.
The plan calls for building enclosed communities with walls around living spaces with a one-mile safety buffer around the community. Each community will have their own water supply and gluten-free food sources to ensure maximal containment.
“Proposition 23.4 addresses two immense problems,” said Krysinski. “First, it will protect those humans who cannot get vaccines either due to a young age, immunodeficiency, or other real contraindication to vaccines. Secondly, it will protect the innocent children of parents who chose not to vaccinate from acquiring disease since they will be in a closed environment. Those poor kids… they have to deal with their crazy parents. They don’t even stand a chance at being normal themselves in the future.”
“Proposition 23.4 could be the second greatest advance in medicine, behind vaccinations,” said Krysinski. “This might be our last fighting chance to contain measles, pertussis, meningitis and a whole host of other diseases.”
Anti-vaxxers can either chose to get vaccinated or move themselves and families to the quarantined areas. According to pediatrician, Dr. Steven Willis, anti-vaxxers are best treated like toddlers.
“I have found that patients that are against vaccines are more manageable when presented with a choice,” said Willis. “Just like toddlers, just offer them a choice and they will be more likely to take one instead of throwing a tantrum. Don’t ask them if they want to be vaccinated, but rather just say, ‘Mr. Johnny, vaccine or quarantine, you pick.'”
With the recent measles outbreak, Texas and California are already pushing the proposal through state legislation and hope to have enough signatures by the start of next school year. Huge land areas in the Angeles National Park are future spots for the hundreds of celebrities in L.A. who will need to be quarantined.