NEW ORLEANS, LA – 52-year-old Milton Applewood, a raging alcoholic who visits Holy Cross Hospital on a weekly basis, was appalled at the medical care he received on Christmas morning.

“Absolutely trashed,” proclaimed Applewood in regards to his condition on Christmas Eve.  “Begging for 2 hours around Christmas nets me enough money to buy liquor for the entire next year.”

vodkaApplewood went on to describe how he drank 2-fifths of vodka in a 6-hour span in the form of multiple Jell-O shots.

“Ahh it was glorious.  It was at least two times what I normally drink on a given night so I actual felt trashed!” said Applewood.

It was all fun and games until Applewood jumped off a ladder yelling “Cannonball!” and landed on concrete instead of in the city fountain.  In typical alcoholic fashion, Applewood doesn’t remember anything that happened next, but he does recall waking up in the Emergency Department and receiving atrocious medical care on Christmas morning.

“There was no compassion for me in the ED there,” said Applewood.  “I asked for some water and it took the nurses 6 minutes to bring me a glass.  They used staples on my head instead of taking their time to suture me up.  They don’t even care about the scar this will leave me!  They even cut my pants off to fit a plain white cast on my leg.  I loved those pants and they didn’t even ask me if they could cut them off.”

None of the nurses or physicians told Applewood “Merry Christmas,” even after he said it to them.  Although what Applewood neglected to mention was the fact that he smacked their butts while saying it, even the male nurses.

“I’ve had it!” exclaimed Applewood.  “I’m going to fill out a negative patient satisfaction survey for the ED staff.  Alcoholics should receive better treatment than this.  It’s Christmas Day after all!”