Baby Finds His Umbilical Cord, Passes Out

UTERUS – Local uterine baby, Baby Dennis, told reporters yesterday he just found a long umbilical cord floating around his head.

“This long cord is just floating in front of me and when I squeeze it just like this…”

At that point Dennis passed out.  Moments later he awoke, “… Oh, man.  I’m sorry.  I must have drifted off!  I guess babies just do that.  Where was I?”

Dennis seemed a little confused.  He regrouped and continued: “Yes, this magical new cord I discovered.  It is very smooth and feels great to touch.  I haven’t squeezed it yet but I really want to.”

“Screw it!  I’m squeezing it.  I haven’t figured out its purpose and if I had to guess I’d…”

Dennis drifted to sleep again.  When he awoke he profusely apologized.  “This never happens to me, I’m guessing it has to do with this newly-discovered cord.  It may have some magical life-altering powers.  What were we talking about again…?”

“Oh cord, that’s right.  I was telling you about this new cord!” the floating upside down baby excitingly stated.  “I REALLY want to squeeze it.  I think it’s ok, I’ve earned it.  I’m gonna do it.”  Dennis squeezed the umbilical cord again, like a Who’s on First? sketch, and fell asleep.

Meanwhile in the outside world, doctors and nurses were frantically rotating mom, giving her oxygen, and discussing C-section possibilities.

Dennis was getting confused.  “Man, it’s like as soon as this cord showed up I’m getting tossed right and left.  I can’t decide if it is a friend or foe.”

“You know what?” Dennis said as he awoke for the third time during the interview.  “I like this cord, I’ll just wrap it around my neck a couple times – like a scarf – so I don’t lose it when I fall asleep.  But I’m really tempted to squeeze it, I just might try it and see what happens.  You know, I am also tired of having my head upside down.  All this blood is going to my brain.  I’m going to try and rotate myself feet down while I’m at it.”