NEW HAVEN, CT – A new study just published in Pediatrics this month demonstrated that countless parent’s suspicions and anxieties were absolutely correct: When infants cry, they really are trying to say, “I hate you!”
The randomized double-blinded placebo-controlled study utilized an advanced baby voice recognition program, baby vital sign recorder, and cerebral oximetry to ascertain what babies are actually trying to say.
Most infants would get fussy when hungry or when they had a wet diaper. Fussiness combined with the infant’s vital signs, translated by the advanced computer into either “Feed me” or “Change my diaper” about 70% of the time.
10% of the time turned out to be “I’m cold” or “I’m hot.” Another 10% demonstrated some form of discomfort or pain, such as GERD or gas. The final 10% were interpreted as “random complaining” and deemed “Hipster Babies” from a hipster blastocyst.
The meat of the study determined that when an infant screams at the top of their lungs, there is a 99% correlation that they are in fact saying, “I hate you!”
“There is no question anymore about this longstanding parent worry,” said Dr. Francis Carting. “Yes, when your child is crying loudly at 2 a.m., they are trying to say that they hate you and that you are the worst parent in the world.”
Dr. Carting elaborated further. “The computer also determined that some infants were even able to ask, ‘Why was I born into these parents?’ and ‘I already feel like running away even before I learn to crawl.’ There was little room for doubt with our study in what infants wanted to say, but just can’t.”
The study has been going on for approximately 13 years now and there are more babies who are now teenagers. These teenagers are confirming the computers results in hating their parents and wishing they would give them more independence. Crying baby #4, now 13-years old, told investigators on follow up, “I hate my parents. They are the worst ever. It’s not fair, and yes I have been trying to run away.”
The study hopes to finally confirm those anxious parent’s suspicions and to give them the knowledge that they were correct.
Dr. Carting elaborated, “Hopefully many first-time moms and dads will finally get some closure and justification that their babies actually do hate them and think they are the worst parents ever. Our future studies will look into how to make your baby love you, but those studies will take another 10+ years to figure out. Good luck in the meantime!”