empowered patient university

Empowered Patient University Established, Medical and Nursing Schools Threatened

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SAN JOSE, CA – A new university stands proud and tall in the heart of downtown San Jose.  Empowered Patient University is enrolling its first class this year.  The new university will enroll people who want to either become empowered patients themselves or assist others with their medical issues.

empowered patient university
“Doctors and nurses, prepare for ‘real’ medical knowledge”

Dean of the school, Kenneth Patterson, designed the school to meet an unmet demand from the population, empowering patients to make medical decisions on their own, disregarding medical experts.

“Many people were complaining about their physicians and other healthcare providers making medical decisions based on facts and their medical experience without listening or letting them make medical decisions,” said Patterson.

“Patients just didn’t feel satisfied with their experiences, which was confirmed by recent Press Ganey reports.  Doctors and nurses need to move aside in order to raise satisfaction.  Our goal is to educate people and patients on how to be empowered to make their own decisions, independent of health care provider’s opinions.  Our graduates will have the distinct honor and privilege of holding a Doctorate of Empowered Patient or as I like to call them, Patient Doctors.”

The school is enrolling over 300 “Patient Doctor” students and the curriculum is a 2-year program with classes on common diseases afflicting Americans.  Many people are asking what’s the difference between an empowered patient school and a medical school or a nursing school?  Patterson replied, “We are going to cut out useless classes like anatomy, microbiology, biochemistry, and histology and replace them with Google and Wikipedia lessons on ailments.  That’s the real meat of medical knowledge, not what the structure of ATP looks like.”

The first year will review the top 100 medical ailments on Wikipedia.  The second year can be used as an elective year to become an expert on one particular disease.

New student patient doctor, Amy Wikerbee, who does have fibromyalgia, plans to use her second year to become a fibromyalgia expert.  “I hope to become an expert on fibromyalgia and open up my own fibromyalgia clinic.  I will be an empowered patient myself, and I plan to seek out other fibromyalgia patients to help them become empowered to get more Dilaudid, the real treatment for this horrific non-cancer pain.”

Medical schools and nursing schools are becoming increasingly worried as this new approach will certainly stir the pot.  Take fibromyalgia for instance.  Most medical and nursing schools will spend on average only 1 day talking about this disease.  Empowered University students will have upwards of 365 days to research their topic on Google and Wikipedia.  Looking at the numbers, an empowered fibromyalgia patient graduating is going to have a huge leg up on new medical and nursing school graduates when it comes to fibromyalgia.

It is being reported that Jenny McCarthy has applied to the university and plans to do her elective on “vaccinations and other scientifically-proven treatments you should avoid.”

With disease specialization, empowered patients could become the new experts and possibly become the new standard of care for medical decisions.  “Patient doctors” could be consulted for advice instead of doctors or nurses.

“I’m excited,” said Patterson.  “We are taking empowered patients to the next level.  Soon we hope to take over the medical community altogether, and we will do it one disease at a time, with Wikipedia’s help of course!”

  • Show Comments

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    60% of the time, you will always have Cancer or an exotic skin disease when referencing WebMD.

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    Susan Bartmon

    The 20s called. You left your raccoon coat there.

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