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MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – The brand new Google Medical Center opened its doors to patients this summer.  The gleaming complex is a first of its kind treatment facility where patients who disagree with their regular doctor’s clinical diagnoses can come and freely pursue the self diagnosis that they have googled on the internet, no questions asked.

Medical centerOne of the striking features of Google Medical Center is that there is are no clinics or physical exam rooms, as clinical experience and physical examination have now become obsolete with the help of a quick Google search.  Instead, patients line up at special HIPAA-approved kiosks where they simply type their symptoms into a Google Chromebook, and a specially-refined medical search produces top hits for their likely diagnosis.

Pubmed.gov, Medscape.com, and Mayoclinic.com have all been blocked by firewall to prevent any semblance of scientific studies from clouding the search process.  As Dr. Bergey Srin, founder of Google Medical Center explains, “Too many double-blinded placebo controlled trials only leaves the world blind.”  For those patients who are convinced that their symptoms are life-threatening and don’t have time to peruse through a multipage Google search result, there is an “I’m Feeling Unlucky” Express Line where the diagnosis most likely to kill you in the next 24 hours automatically comes up to the top of the search.

Armed with the confidence of an internet diagnosis, patients then proceed to be seen by Google Medical School trained doctors, who automatically admit them to the hospital to work up the self diagnosis, no questions asked.

Mr. J. Lewis glowingly describes his experience: “My doctors laughed at me for 25 years and told me I was a hypochondriac or had somatization disorder.  I kept telling them I had a sticking feeling on my left side that would come and go for 30 seconds.  It felt like a little troll lived inside me and was sticking me with prongs.  CT scans, MRIs, and endoscopies were all normal.  At Google Medical Center, I quickly discovered I had either a splenic laceration or an accessory splenule all this time.  Either way, my spleen was removed 2 days after I walked through the door.  Who’s laughing now?”

VIP patients and foreign dignitaries are admitted to the Press Ganey wing of the hospital, where patient satisfaction takes precedence over basic medical reasoning, and the patient is always right.  Special features of this ward include No “No Smoking” rooms, a “choose your own diet” available 24 hours (sponsored by Taco Bell: “Live Más”), and bedside nutrition consults provided by the Food Babe.

A patient enjoys a drag on his cigarette while recovering from splenectomy in the Press Ganey wing

NPO has also become obsolete because as Dr. Perry Lage explains, “If you want to eat a steak quesadilla right before your upper endoscopy, then who the heck are we to stop you??  Yes, we are doctors, but we just work here.  It’s all about you, the patient.”  Another big hit at the Press Ganey wing is 100% patient-directed pain control.  “If the only thing that brings your pain down from a 13.5/10 is Dilaudid and Phenergan pushed into your IV real fast, then we will have a nurse ready to push it fast without waiting on a doctor’s order.  No judgment here.”

“My extensive googling has shown that water contains dangerously high levels of hydrogen and oxygen, two chemicals which can damage internal organs and stuff.  I’ve removed both from the water supply at Google Medical Center” – The Food Babe, head of nutrition services.

Construction has already started on a state of the art Enema Unit where patients can discover if their particular disease can be cured by coffee enemas because someone googled it and found out “that’s what was being done in Mexico but pharmaceutical companies just don’t want you to know about it.”

Dr. Srin states, “It’s not just about the coffee enema though.  This unit will be stocked with cayenne, bleach, and even marijuana enemas.  That’s right; we will literally be blowing smoke up your butt.”

Funding for Google Medical Center was largely provided by anti-vaccination societies, who would not exist unless googling “Can vaccines cause autism?” allowed their ideas to enter the public discussion.  Srin continues, “We need to repeal Obamacare and let free markets dictate health care.  Google Medical Center is simply the logical conclusion of letting patients decide what is best, not some government death panel.”

Medicare is not accepted, but Bitcoin and Paypal are accepted.

Dr. Oz was hired as the Chief Medical Officer!

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Dr. V. Vek Moorthee
I know what you’re thinking - that guy looks a lot like Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. Aside from the fact that we both wear fancy hats, let me assure you: there’s no relation. I’m just another doctor who dreams of a day when I don’t have to deal with crazy patients anymore. Like Dr. Vivek Murthy. And I wish I could just go around and tell people what to do and how to eat healthy without any pushback or consequences. Like Dr. Vivek Murthy. And wouldn’t it be fun to dress up like an admiral in the Navy? But seriously, the nation’s physician in chief doesn’t have time to write funny articles for a medical satire website! Or does he? Hi, I’m Dr. V. Vek Moorthee.