HOSPITAL OF THE RESURRECTION – Religion is not a quiet affair at this institution. Morning and evening prayers are broadcasted over the PA system at 3 a.m. and 3 p.m. every day to better coincide with prayers at the Vatican. Rumor has it that an ER patient presenting for a stat tubal ligation left the facility with triplets.
Mass is available via live stream from the hospital chapel, a sacred place that to the untrained eye resembles the ICU waiting room. Visitors, staff, and patients can also attend daily Protestant services or Orthodox divine liturgy of the Greek, Syrian, or Russian variety. Bingo fills the cafeteria to capacity on Tuesday nights, and so many festivals are celebrated in the parking lot every year that the city’s food trucks don’t bother parking within five miles of Hospital of the Resurrection.
“We had to sell 6,000 crucifixes – now there’s only one in every room in the hospital. Then we had to eliminate our Mormon choir and Romanian Orthodox priest, but that’s nothing compared to the changes to Easter—and I’m not talking about the Easter Bunny carrying an EpiPen after last year’s chocolate-peanut butter egg debacle in the pediatric ward!”
What Father Thomas is talking about is that neither Good Friday nor Easter Sunday will be considered a holiday this year. To save money the hospital had to make tough choices. There’s a good reason so many employers are in an uproar. No time and a half pay, no free cafeteria food, and worst of all, no Easter egg baskets filled with delicious potential allergens.
Although the Jehovah’s Witness chaplain pleaded for a calm response to the news, his colleagues prepared for war. Clerical collars were replaced by thyroid shields and lead vests borrowed from the scandalous X-ray techs during their usual hour long weekly confession. At press time, the nuns contracted to provide anesthesia care were making Molotov cocktails out of gauze pads and sevoflurane.