Hospital Builds $100M Gorgeous Atrium Expansion, Nurse Bonuses Cut


CLEVELAND, OH  – Mercy Hospital has just completed a new addition to their hospital: a grandiose beautiful atrium.  This new expansion is “a beautiful and glorious addition to our fine institution.”

HospitalThe new atrium has spared no expense.  There is a new grand piano with a 10 -ear budget for a 24-hr pianist, large stained-glass windows, and 3 chandeliers imported from France.  This new addition has hospital administrators tied up with ribbon-cutting ceremonies, hor dourves gatherings, and cake-cutting parties.

In tough economic times it can be difficult to find an extra $100 million dollars on the balance sheets.  Mercy Hospital’s CFO Kent Hasworth told reporters, “It really only took 15 minutes to scan our books and find a couple of simple financial cracks.”  He decided to cut nurse’s bonuses for the next 10 years.

“It was the only feasible way for us to proceed with the new atrium,” said Hasworth.  “When bonuses were stopped we came up with enough money for this wonderful addition.  The 5-G WiFi network and pianist don’t just pay for themselves.”

This new atrium really ties the hospital together.  “We’ve also added a guest office that the Joint Commission can use during their once-a-year audits.”  Hasworth went on, “The room has two 51” TVs that stream cameras of nurses’ stations, making sure no food or drink is at the station.  We’ve spared no expense.”

When asked about fears regarding a potential mass exodus of nurses, administrators responded emphatically, “Not at all.  Some will stay, and some will leave.  Whoever leaves, we will replace them with traveling nurses until we can spread the work out with the existing nurses.”  He also said the new beautiful atrium will be a great recruiting tool for future nurses.

A new study put out by the New England Journal of Medicine last week demonstrated that patients grade hospitals not by the quality of medical care, but rather on appearance, ample parking, a pianist, and WiFi.  When catering towards patient-centered care, hospitals are sacrificing quality to appease their patients.

“The people have spoken,” said Hasworth.  “They would rather have music in the lobby and WiFi to surf YouTube videos while waiting for their prescriptions, than have solid medical care.  We are a patient -entered hospital and we listen.  I apologize to all the nurses out there, but patients just don’t care as much about quality medicine.  It’s about convenience medicine now.”

A magical nursing float pool which was recently discovered, might be tapped into if it hasn’t been drained yet.