Medical Meth to Increase Tax, Dental Revenue

JAY, FL – Not since legalized marijuana increased Colorado’s Revenues and Frito Lay’s profits, has a drug’s side effects so quickly boosted another profession’s revenue.  Although the American Dental Association declined to comment, dentist offices across the state started celebrating as soon as it became clear that the ballot measure would pass.  From their central trailer in rural Escambia County, lobbyists’ key to the legalization of methamphetamine across the state argued “death and similar side effects of meth are exaggerated” and “users simply gain a deeper appreciation for the neurotransmitter dopamine, much like a purveyor of MSG would at an all-day Chinese buffet.”

Inferior ingredients hamper legislation for medicinal, fair-trade crack
Inferior ingredients hamper legislation for medicinal, fair-trade crack

Florida’s governor, spotted exiting from big meth’s private trailer, told a crowd of supporters, “Thanks to the ingredients in medical meth, millions of suffering Floridians will now be able to find relief from chronic conditions such as sinusitis and overly supple, silky skin.  They will experience a new passion for life and a fascinating change in priorities.  No longer will young twenty-somethings be mistaken for teenagers in our great state!  With the new meth tax, no longer will our education system need all its funding from our depraved Lotto system which targets the poor!”  Well-received from supporters clearly not suffering from either a full set of teeth or smooth, elastic skin.

Although his message was well received in Jay and similar communities throughout the Panhandle, a certain subset of voters near Miami continue to worry about the economic effects of legalized meth.  As one of these voters explained to me on his yacht, “Without the social stigma or the jail time surrounding meth, who’s willing to buy more exotic, even tropical drugs these days?”

Most pharmaceutical companies are expected to gently ease into the market, the maker of Lifoxyl is considering a mobile dispensary; more like an endoscopy truck than a car trunk meth lab.  However, plastic surgeons have objected to the prominent slogan on these mobile dispensaries, “Why Look Young When You Can Look Venerable,” and orthopedic surgeons have also complained about their marketing.