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2AM, KNOXVILLE, TN – According to seventh floor pediatrics ward sources, local pediatrician and hospitalist Dr. Jerry Dirkins is about to call for another surgery consult on a patient who looks a little “punky” to him, GI-wise.  After extensively examining the 9-year-old fully asleep patient, who was admitted two days ago for an asthma exacerbation, Dr. Dirkins felt the tummy was a little poochy and that the little punkin with no surgical history must have complete bowel obstruction requiring immediate surgical attention.

Who's calling me the kid or the doctor?
Who’s calling me the kid or the doctor?

“This whittle [sic] cutie pie really has lots of high-pitched tinkly bubbles on ascultation,” said the fellowship-trained, and fully-grown adult doctor, to floor nurse Tricia Johnson. “I’m just so gosh-darned concerned about the little dude! Better give surgery the heads up.”

The licensed and board-certified pediatrician will imminently have surgery paged for what will be the “third patient with life-threatening bowel obstruction on his ward of ten short-stay patients,” nurse Johnson said.

“Yeah, Dr. Dirkins seems to pick up these major surgical problems all the time,” reported the Dora the Explorer scrubs-clad grandmother of six while applying a seventh unicorn sticker to her hot-pink stethoscope.  “I think he’s just really attuned to the well-being of his patients.  He never seems to miss a thing!  He’s just the best with all our special little nuggets.”

Dr. Dirkins will reportedly pick up the phone when surgery calls back and say: “Hi!  Thanks for calling back.  I just wanted to get you on board with this cute little ankle-biter I got here.”  Or perhaps use other medical terminology only found in the pediatric textbooks, i.e. whippersnapper.

At press time, unconfirmed reports were saying that the consulting surgeon was preparing to claw out his own eyeballs shortly after calling ophthalmology for the heads up.

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