ER Hires ‘Dilaudid Nazi’ to Dispense (or Not) Dispense Opioids

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ATLANTA, GA – The famous “Soup Nazi” from Seinfeld has been hired by Memorial Hospital’s ER to dispense or not dispense opioids to patients checking in through triage.

dilaudid naziJust as in his restaurant, a single file line forms outside the triage window of patients looking to be seen at Memorial ER.  Once a patient gets up to the window, without prompting, they should simply state their number on the pain scale, place their insurance card on the counter, and shift two paces to the left for observation without making eye contact.

“Dilaudid Nazi” assesses their response, possibly uses a sophisticated pain detector device, and decides if they need to be seen and if narcotics are warranted.

Common responses include, “Oh, texting on your phone and in 10/10 pain, no Dilaudid for you!  Next!” and “Oh, Demerol is the only drug that works for your fibromyalgia, no Demerol for you!  Next!”

One patient even had the nerve to ask “Dilaudid Nazi” for free bread at the counter.  The price of bread quickly escalated eventually leading to the patient being refused care.  “No bread or Dilaudid for you!  Next!”

Since Memorial Hospital hired “Dilaudid Nazi,” drug seekers and frequent flyers have decreased an astounding 94%.  “Nobody has the guts to try and take on ‘Dilaudid Nazi’ if they really aren’t in pain,” said EM physician Dr. Debra Wilkers.  “I hope we can duplicate Dilaudid Nazis at other hospitals in the future.  This could revolutionize ERs across the US.”

Here was his resume that he submitted to Memorial Hospital: Best of Soup Nazi’s Bits

  • Doktor Schnabel

    Plague doctor from 1622 who practices blood letting and medical satire. My beak has mint leaves and straw to protect myself from the it looks good.

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    Its funny how big pharma (Predue Pharma/OXYCONTIN) pushed the 5th vital sign BS out years ago. They basically encouraged the use of narcotics. Now we’re left with the remains of that. A ton of people abusing opiates and a ton of people strung out (medically/physically dependent). We said this was going to happen. People ignored it. Now its an epidemic. 8 years ago anyone could walk into an ER and fake like they had a kidney stone. They could say they had a history without documentation and minutes later would have an IV with morphine or dilaudid being pushed into their veins and pushing them to euphoria. Today they have to be screened and examined before being administered narcs. This is a good and bad thing. I agree with not giving any Joe some pharma grade smack, but I dont agree with the lady having the painful emergency to go without. The opium epidemic of this era has left us in a crossroads with a double edged sword.

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    The Happy Hospitalist Blog


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    Becky Abell

    Can I order a nazi thru amazon??

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    Maryellen Colebrooke

    I love acupuncture to treat my pain. My surgeon thinks it’s gross.

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    Shannon Chapel

    A strong narcotic pain medication that can be administered through an IV or orally. It’s 10x stronger than morphine.

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    Deb Katarski

    So true! People always texting on their phone stating that they are in so much pain! Haha, very funny!

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    PJ Dew

    I wish!! I have a patient that I’ll wake up to give him pills, and he is barely able to mumble, “I’m feeling anxious… can I have ativan?” Yeah. Sure. You’re really anxious lying there sleeping.

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    Amy Hines

    I can actually do that and actually BE at a 10…it takes my mind off the pain a little.

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    Lisa Parker

    Oh I just had total hip replacement the 22 home 24 and they gave me minimum pain relief. 5’s. Doesn’t touch the pain

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    Wes Hunter


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    Jenny Alff

    Kelly Healy….. Yessssssss!!!

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    Kelly Healy

    Jenny Alff

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    Rona Labeka Smith

    As bad as setting alarm on phone for when PRN pain med is allowed again

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    Ross Lytle

    OK, I’ll bite….what is (a) “dilaudid”…..?

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    Jeanette Harrison


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    Ariel Vitali


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    Ariel Vitali


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    Monica Tran
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    Nicole Parker

    The perfect article for the Seinfeld fan/ ER nurse! Love it!

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    Jose Reinoso

    We need this

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