Local ED Refuses to Take Care of Firework Injuries This July 4th

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NEW BERN, NC – A local New Bern emergency department has made it abundantly clear to the town that they will be refusing to care for firework injuries this year on July 4th.

“Drunk firework injury, fix it yourself”

“Listen, last year our town saw over 32 firework injuries on July 4th,” said local resident John Klippelvan.  “Many injuries became instant YouTube video hits and our town became known as the laughing stock of the south.  We have to find a way to stop this.”

The new rule attempts to scare people into thinking that they don’t have a backup plan anymore.  “You blast your right arm with a firework, guess what, fix it yourself.”

EM physician, Dr. Karen Timberly believes firmly in the new stance: “One of the reasons you have drunk guys lighting fireworks from their butts is because they know if they hurt themselves, we will be able to fix them up.  Not this year.”

The ED’s message is if you want to play with fire in this town, you are on your own.   A family practice physician, Dr. Ernie Deasins was interviewed about having to work on July 4th.

“We need Darwinism to sneak back into our society.  We [medical community] have propped up too many people that shouldn’t be alive today which has allowed the creation of ‘super idiots’ that the world has never seen before.  Seriously, has anybody seen the movie Idiocracy?  We are starting to live it.”

“Whatever, I don’t need them,” yelled resident Dwight Stillbee.  “I plan to drink a ton of PBR beer, light fireworks off in compromising positions, and maybe even consider a swim in the Hurricane rip currents.  They can’t tell me what to do in America.  It’s part of my Freedom under the 29th Amendment dammit!”

YouTube may also be to blame for many of the injuries seen this decade.  Before, if idiots did ridiculous stunts in their backyard, only a handful of people would have seen the events unfold.  Now millions of people can watch the events, in effect glorifying them while promoting more frequent and extreme acts.

“Let’s take a stand this July 4th,” boosted ER nurse Samantha Jenkins.  “Thin out the heard a bit this July 4th and let’s take our country forward in the right direction!”

  • Show Comments

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    I worked in one ER that had a sign behind the nurses station saying ” Defeating Darwinism everyday !”

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    thin out the “herd”

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    ““We need Darwinism to sneak back into our society. We [medical community] have propped up too many people that shouldn’t be alive today which has allowed the creation of ‘super idiots’ that the world has never seen before.”
    Out of the park, guys. Bravo!

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    Cheri K. Pelley

    Satire folks.

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    Margaret E. McGown

    In violation of COBRA law if they are refused emergency treatment at the ED.

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    Chris Willis

    Eve no it ISNT. As a dedicated and longstanding ED RN I take great pleasure in notifying Bill the local fire marshall each time a dumb ass comes in with a questionable burn or blast injury. I wont treat them until Bill the local fire Marshall arrives to swab for gunpowder residue.

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    Eve Hall

    I agree with more public education about the dangers of fireworks, but when I became a nurse I vowed to take care of all people entrusted to me, not just the intelligent deny care is unethical, immoral, and most likely, illegal.

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    Your local medical satire news

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    Gillian Wilder

    Haha, I wasn’t paying attention and didn’t see it was you guys! I thought it was my local news.

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    Their ’emergency’ waited until the show was over hahaha

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    Cynthia Almy Savage

    Last year, we had a big crowd watching the fireworks from the ER parking lot. The nurses thought it was sweet. I knew better. They were coming in for emergency evaluation of sniffles, crying babies, and the ever important “I need a note for work tomorrow because I’m going to be sick”

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    Jessica Smith

    Its against their religion.

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    Rissa Stackhouse

    lol Will never forget the family of 12 (exaggerated for affect) who came crashing through the ambi bay door all screaming hysterically with a 5ish year old boy in someone’s arms. He had stepped on a hot BBQ coal briefly as he was (of course) running around with no shoes on. I looked at them in disbelief and slapped ice on it. Here’s Your Sign……

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    Sgt Mom

    I’ve been saying this to YEARS…all joking aside! Allow the laws of natural consequence to return to it’s best teaching job!

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    Martin Schreeder

    So it’s like the Purge

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    Pat Henry


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    Ryan Hobbs

    Best part for me? The tag line. That’s my hometown. :)

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    Lauren Regina Phalange Socha

    Its funny that people think this is real….

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    this hospital should get closed. Can’t believe this…

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    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    Poor Chris Houchin, bless his heart!

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    Kim Rockway Marple

    Sonrisa Holmes Janie Jones lol!

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    wow, the dichotomy of Dwight Stillbee and Dr Ernie Deasins. Sure hope someone does a follow-up to this on the 5th

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    Siddharth Mushrif

    The term ‘super idiots’ can be applied to the said folks who think this is real news.

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    Siddharth Mushrif


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    Yulia Kirkpatrick

    This is awesome

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    Betsey Hemphill Gagliano

    Mischele Pamuk Lewis, I never know what’s funnier… the article itself or the comments from people who think it’s real.

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    Alta ☕

    While I realize stupid is, as stupid does, I wonder if it is legal to do this. #NoStichesForYou

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    Mischele Pamuk Lewis

    It’s a joke people. The whole website is satirical. Omg.

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    Since the issue is ‘stupidity’ and not money, they are able to circumvent this law

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    Amanda Deemer Bostock


  • Avatar
    Chris Houchin

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