HOPE VALLEY, CA -Twenty months after being diagnosed with lung cancer, 67-year-old Denise Dewberry has been declared cancer-free by her doctors. She claims her cure to be the work of God.
God says otherwise.
In a press release delivered to Fox News, God disavowed any role in Ms. Dewberry’s current health. This comes on the heels of several proclamations by Dewberry to her family and friends that her long struggle with cancer and her cancer treatment was finally over thanks to divine intervention.
Dewberry’s claims, now in dispute, began when her oncologist informed her late last month that her follow-up scans were negative for malignancy, prompting multiple shouts of “Thank God,” “Thank you, Lord,” and variations thereof.
The Alpha and Omega’s statement was clear in its refutation: “Despite the false witness borne against My name, know that it was not I, your Lord and Master, who relieved this sickness. Lo, I actually was trying to smite Miss Dewberry for reasons I won’t get into right now. Verily, it’s a long story.”
The message, engraved upon five large, flaming stone tablets in ancient Hebrew, was delivered by UPS to Fox News headquarters in New York City this morning. The Maker of Heaven and Earth thanked Ms. Dewberry for the compliment, but stated he did not want to take away any credit from the team of physicians and nurses who performed surgery, gave chemotherapy, spent time consoling her [through this difficult period of her life], and “a total lack of respect for My will.”
Ms. Dewberry herself was unavailable for comment, but her Facebook status was recently changed from “Blessed” to “Rebuked.”
This is the second time the Lord has had to set the record straight regarding His actions in the past few years. In 2010, Kobe Bryant publicly thanked God for his fifth NBA Championship during a post-game press conference, prompting the phrase, “Nice try, Kobe. I’m a Celtics fan,” etched in thirty-foot tall letters, to miraculously appear on the face of the White Cliffs of Dover.
Bryant has since apologized to God, and has admitted it was probably his countless hours of practice and unbelievable talent that earned his championship and made him into one of the NBA’s premier players.