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KANSAS CITY, MO – In a stark development it has been reported that earlier this morning during a five-minute bathroom break, Dr. Timothy McFadden, a Gastroenterologist of Mount Sinai, was paged a record thirty-five times during a bowel movement.

At approximately 9:36 AM, Dr. McFadden received a thirty-fifth page before the toilet was flushed and the hospital erupted in defecatory jubilation.

physician on toilet
“Beep, beep, beep, beep, brrrrrrrrrrr”

If confirmed, this would shatter the previous record of thirty pages during a ten-minute bowel movement previously set by Dr. James Winter at The University of Washington Seattle in 2009.

“Your mindset changes with each page,” Dr. McFadden explained, washing his hands thoroughly while humming the Happy Birthday song.  “The first page, you think, ‘Of course.’  The second through tenth pages you’re furious.  Ten through twenty, it actually starts to become hilarious.  After twenty, I thought, ‘You know what, let’s have a good bowel movement without any complications.'”

Dr. McFadden is no stranger to rapid paging during bowel movements.  Just two months ago, he received twenty-four pages during a nine-minute bowel movement.  He admitted to getting too worked up and as a result, not only dropped his pager in the toilet but also wiped too hard, leading to some residual irritation and bleeding.

“A rookie mistake,” Dr. McFadden admits, grabbing his stethoscope and adjusting his tie.

When Dr. McFadden exited the bathroom at 9:37 AM, he was greeted with gloved high fives, yellow gowns, and sterile pats on the back.  He sarcastically thanked everyone for their support before promptly leaving the floor and deleting his pages.

Nurses on the floor who despise Dr. McFadden gleefully chuckled, “That’s what he deserves for being such a prick!  Who orders Lasix on a demented patient without a Foley anyways?”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.