Obama Replaces Surgeon General with Nurse Practitioner General

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – At a hastily-gathered press conference here today, President Obama announced that effective immediately, Surgeon General Rear Admiral (RADM) Boris D. Lushniak, MD, MPH, would be replaced by a 15-year veteran surgical Nurse Practitioner Melody Paton, RN, MSN, NP.

“I’m pleased to announce that Melody has agreed to step up and basically continue to do the job she’s ben doing at the Office of the Surgeon General for the past decade, which is all the work that the Surgeon General has been taking credit for,” said Obama.

“Over the past six months we have reviewed the performance of the Office of the Surgeon General and found out that really he just sits in his office most of the time,” continued the President.  “Occasionally he wanders around the country pontificating to whoever’s around to listen, while the NP does all the work.”

“So, we fired him,” finished Obama.  “Melody, it’s all you now!”

According to records obtained by GomerBlog, the Surgeon General has rounded on very few patients and taken credit for multiple publications that were painstakingly assembled by Nurse Paton.  Meanwhile, Paton has single-handedly run the entire Surgeon General clinic, including seeing patients and scheduling them for the Surgeon General OR.  As a certified advanced practice nurse, Paton has in fact performed the vast majority of operations for which the Surgeon General then billed.

“Well, they’re mostly small cases like hernias and abscesses,” said Paton, “but Boris doesn’t seem to have time for them so when he doesn’t show up I just, you know, bang them out.”

As “America’s NP,” Nurse Paton will see a 5% raise with the new position, which she is “real excited about.”

“Well, my kids could use some new clothes and the hubby and I have been eyeing a new pool table so, yeah, it’s pretty neat,” said the 42-year-old mother of three.  “I’m a little unsure about the $2.3 million budget I need to allocate, but we need some new couches in the Surgeon General waiting room, so I guess I’ll start there.  This could be a lot of fun!”

As press time, Dr. Lushniak could not be reached as he was playing golf.  His voicemail referred all calls to Nurse Paton.

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  • Avatar
    Casca

    I have always wondered since it’s a good idea to replace doctors with Nurse Practitioners, why don’t we get some real savings going and replace the MBA Administrators with someone with an Associates degree in Business and pay them a lot less ???????????

  • Avatar
    RH321

    If she is doing his job, then Fabulous! But… Am I missing the sense of professionalism that comes w this pos??

  • Avatar
    Stephen Harmon

    Obama was tired of seeing those warnings on the packs of cigarettes. Had to pull the trigger.

  • Avatar
    Christina Burchard Buchignani

    Ha!

  • Avatar
    SonyaandSam Crites

    Bahaha ha! Although, it would not surprise anyone if he actually did…he keeps dumbing down the country…one golf course at a time…why not?!?!

  • Avatar
    Giovanni Pujol

    Citizens like you are scum, Matthew.

  • Avatar
    Charlie Cohn

    Finally someone has a real way to help balance the budget:-)

  • Avatar
    Jeanette Kei Chang

    um, no. it’s like the onion for medical stuff. :)

  • Avatar
    Matthew Layton

    Obama is scum and a blemish on America’s history end of story.

  • Avatar
    Maria Federico Madonick

    This blog is medical satire. Chill out. B

  • Avatar
    Nancy Snyder

    Thank you Obama. Now, let’s look into all of those who are ” in office”, and dump these “do nothing, cheating, selfish criminals”. Out the door!

  • Avatar
    Laura Russell

    Satire obviously

  • Avatar
    Anita Fetzick

    Matthew Layton this is satire.

  • Avatar
    Matthew Layton

    So obama’s reasoning is that the surgeon General wasn’t doing his job correct so he immediately fired him….. with that mentality Obama should be impeached immediately! Why should the surgeon General be held to a higher standard when the president isn’t doing his job?

  • Avatar
    Erin Giblin OSullivan

    Is this a true story ????

  • Avatar
    Jeanette Kei Chang

    Erin Giblin OSullivan

  • Avatar
    Amy Hauck

    Good one!

  • Avatar
    Matt Strickland

    Look up LTG Patricia Horoho.

  • Avatar
    Raza Ayub

    He is acting like shareef family… ;-)

  • Avatar
    Rebecca Reed

    Most favorite goberblog. Ever.

  • Avatar
    Gomerblog

    They were too busy seeing patients to be reached

  • Avatar
    Heather Harris

    Never stop gomerblog. Never.

  • Avatar
    Lisa Gundersen

    How about PA General????!

  • Avatar
    Joanie Sapienza

    Awesome! Love it! Is it true?? Hope so! Us NPs rule!!!!!

  • Avatar
    Victoria Morgan

    True story…

  • Avatar
    Kathy Stringham

    funny

  • Avatar
    Teresa Gaiser

    lol

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