Obama Replaces Surgeon General with Nurse Practitioner General

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – At a hastily-gathered press conference here today, President Obama announced that effective immediately, Surgeon General Rear Admiral (RADM) Boris D. Lushniak, MD, MPH, would be replaced by a 15-year veteran surgical Nurse Practitioner Melody Paton, RN, MSN, NP.

“I’m pleased to announce that Melody has agreed to step up and basically continue to do the job she’s ben doing at the Office of the Surgeon General for the past decade, which is all the work that the Surgeon General has been taking credit for,” said Obama.

“Over the past six months we have reviewed the performance of the Office of the Surgeon General and found out that really he just sits in his office most of the time,” continued the President.  “Occasionally he wanders around the country pontificating to whoever’s around to listen, while the NP does all the work.”

“So, we fired him,” finished Obama.  “Melody, it’s all you now!”

According to records obtained by GomerBlog, the Surgeon General has rounded on very few patients and taken credit for multiple publications that were painstakingly assembled by Nurse Paton.  Meanwhile, Paton has single-handedly run the entire Surgeon General clinic, including seeing patients and scheduling them for the Surgeon General OR.  As a certified advanced practice nurse, Paton has in fact performed the vast majority of operations for which the Surgeon General then billed.

“Well, they’re mostly small cases like hernias and abscesses,” said Paton, “but Boris doesn’t seem to have time for them so when he doesn’t show up I just, you know, bang them out.”

As “America’s NP,” Nurse Paton will see a 5% raise with the new position, which she is “real excited about.”

“Well, my kids could use some new clothes and the hubby and I have been eyeing a new pool table so, yeah, it’s pretty neat,” said the 42-year-old mother of three.  “I’m a little unsure about the $2.3 million budget I need to allocate, but we need some new couches in the Surgeon General waiting room, so I guess I’ll start there.  This could be a lot of fun!”

As press time, Dr. Lushniak could not be reached as he was playing golf.  His voicemail referred all calls to Nurse Paton.

  • The Punky-Looking Kiddo

    As a fourteen month-old infant and licensed surgeon, the Punky-Looking Kiddo offers a truly unique perspective on the worlds of healthcare and modern medicine. With a combination of both wit and humor, he...oh wait. I just crapped myself. And I'm hungry. SOMEONE PICK ME UP!

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    I have always wondered since it’s a good idea to replace doctors with Nurse Practitioners, why don’t we get some real savings going and replace the MBA Administrators with someone with an Associates degree in Business and pay them a lot less ???????????

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    If she is doing his job, then Fabulous! But… Am I missing the sense of professionalism that comes w this pos??

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    Stephen Harmon

    Obama was tired of seeing those warnings on the packs of cigarettes. Had to pull the trigger.

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    Christina Burchard Buchignani


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    SonyaandSam Crites

    Bahaha ha! Although, it would not surprise anyone if he actually did…he keeps dumbing down the country…one golf course at a time…why not?!?!

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    Giovanni Pujol

    Citizens like you are scum, Matthew.

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    Charlie Cohn

    Finally someone has a real way to help balance the budget:-)

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    Jeanette Kei Chang

    um, no. it’s like the onion for medical stuff. :)

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    Matthew Layton

    Obama is scum and a blemish on America’s history end of story.

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    Maria Federico Madonick

    This blog is medical satire. Chill out. B

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    Nancy Snyder

    Thank you Obama. Now, let’s look into all of those who are ” in office”, and dump these “do nothing, cheating, selfish criminals”. Out the door!

  • Avatar
    Laura Russell

    Satire obviously

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    Anita Fetzick

    Matthew Layton this is satire.

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    Matthew Layton

    So obama’s reasoning is that the surgeon General wasn’t doing his job correct so he immediately fired him….. with that mentality Obama should be impeached immediately! Why should the surgeon General be held to a higher standard when the president isn’t doing his job?

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    Erin Giblin OSullivan

    Is this a true story ????

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    Jeanette Kei Chang

    Erin Giblin OSullivan

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    Amy Hauck

    Good one!

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    Matt Strickland

    Look up LTG Patricia Horoho.

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    Raza Ayub

    He is acting like shareef family… ;-)

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    Rebecca Reed

    Most favorite goberblog. Ever.

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    They were too busy seeing patients to be reached

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    Heather Harris

    Never stop gomerblog. Never.

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    Lisa Gundersen

    How about PA General????!

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    Joanie Sapienza

    Awesome! Love it! Is it true?? Hope so! Us NPs rule!!!!!

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    Victoria Morgan

    True story…

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    Kathy Stringham


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    Teresa Gaiser


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