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WASHINGTON, D.C. – To the delight of emergency physicians across the country, the Food and Drug Administration has approved the use of a new drug which combines 5 commonly-used medications to treat acute dyspnea.

dyspnea
“And I’ll just pretend I’m listening to you quickly”

FUROSESONEROLAQUINOX™ combines 40 mg of Lasix, 120 mg of Solu-Medrol, 10 mg of albuterol, 750 mg of Levaquin, and 100 mg of Lovenox.  It is given in a pre-mixed IV bag and infused over an hour.

Dr.  Dewey Wilson, an emergency physician in Dallas, sings the new drug’s praises.  “Up until now, ER doctors had to go through this mental masturbation when an elderly patient with a history of COPD, CHF, and DVT/PE rolled into the ER on the EMS stretcher, huffing and puffing to breathe.  It could take hours to sort it all out.  It typically required dozes of ancillary tests, and occasionally a review of records or even a stethoscope.

“Now, when granny rolls in working to breathe with age > O2 sats, I just order one drug and call the hospitalist.  We have even hard-wired it into our EMR so that when the drug is ordered, an ECG, chest-ray, chemistries, CBC, troponin, and BNP are automatically ordered for the admitting team.  All the bases are covered, and I can get on to evaluating patients who could conceivably be discharged.

“Plus, today’s patients aren’t interested in quality as much as they are convenience.  They would much rather run the risk of being treated for diseases they don’t actually have if it means less time spent in the ER.  We all know that modern medicine is about patient satisfaction and not the provision of appropriate care, so it’s really a win/win for patients and physicians.”

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Jake Ho
After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.