WASHINGTON, DC – In a shocking move by McDonald’s in response to recent protests over minimum-wage pay, the mega-corporation has agreed to pay its employees $15 an hour, but only if they re-apply through the Electronic Residency Application System (ERAS) with which all medical students are intimately familiar. Many attribute this unconventional move to the recent acquisition of the McDonald’s empire by the ACGME.
While the purpose of the ERAS application was meant to increase efficiency in the McDonald’s employment process, it has also led to much frustration among prospective employees. “The website was way too confusing,” said Hamburg Lars. “I didn’t know where to put my Letters of Lovin’ It, and my personal statement came out all cold and soggy. I should have been able to drive thru the process.”
After putting in their USMDE scores and the stress of interview day, the employees wait patiently until submitting their extra rank value list. The list itself has drawn much criticism. Nervous applicants have searched the web for advice, but were still left terrified and confused on Match Day.
“I knew I was making a mistake, but I did it anyway,” said Donald Ronaldo. “I knew I should have made the Big Mac my No. 2. Why did I put Chicken McNuggets so far down the extra value list at No. 9? I’m afraid I’ll get stuck with a grilled chicken or something. Stupid me. This process is going to give me a heart attack.”
A group of medical residents did happen to stop by the fast food restaurant after their call, as a McGriddle in the morning post call was the only way to smother their misery. They did have some interesting insight, however.
“Y’know, I’ve been working my butt off since high school and I’m approaching 30,” said an anonymous medical resident. “I understand that less than $10 an hour is not enough to live on, but I’ve been making it work for over a decade now. I’m a quarter million in debt with no credit to my name, and I make well less than $8 an hour right now. We could demand high salaries, sure, but if money was the problem, I would have pursued a different career. And that’s the quarter pound of truth. Ba da ba ba ba.”
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