Joint Commission Mandates All Patients Be Known As Bob

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OAKBROOK TERRACE, IL – The Joint Commission today released new guidelines for protecting patient privacy.  The guidelines mandate that all hospitalized patients be known as Bob regardless of real name, age, gender, race or sexual orientation.  The only exception will be patients whose name is actually Bob.  They will be known as Ted.

The regulation makes it clear that real names are not to be used on patient room doors, electronic medical records, rounding lists, or attending note cards.  Health care providers are forbidden from asking patients for their real names or using patients’ real names in conversations.

The program was piloted on a medical floor at U.S. News and World Report’s No. 3 ranked hospital, Rons Hopkins Medical Center.  Hospital CEO Dr. Jeffrey Capadorno said that he volunteered to pilot the program in hopes that his “go get ‘em” attitude would help catapult Rons back to No. 1.

“When we slipped from 1 to 2 it was like someone cut off one of my arms.  When we slipped to 3 it was like someone killed my dog after it bit off my other arm.  At No. 3 I’m just an armless, dogless sad, sad man.  I’ll do anything to get us back to the top spot,” said Capadorno, a single tear winding its way down his cheek.

The program was put into place and a reporter was able to record a snippet of the discussion during rounds on the pilot floor one recent morning:

Resident: “I ordered vanco for patient Bob.”
Attending: “Which patient Bob?”
Resident: “I wasn’t sure so I ordered it for all of our patients, except patient Ted.”
Attending: “That’s fellow-level thinking.  Excellent job.”

After a month of the pilot program, data was collected.  Medication errors went up by 659%, blood was transfused to the wrong patient 87% of the time, and mortality increased by a factor of 17.  The number needed to harm of the intervention was 2.

When asked if the initiative was going to be abandoned, Joint Commission spokeswoman Daniella Chamalama, reached on her private jet by satellite phone, responded, “Abandoned?  This initiative was a clear-cut success.  We are mandating its implementation nationwide based on the unanimous vote of our advisory panel.”

Asked about the disturbing data on patient mortality she said, “Mortality is a red herring; the important thing here is patient privacy.  I noticed that you failed to mention the drastic reduction in HIPAA violations from .001% to .0009%.  And we all know that patients would rather have their privacy protected than be alive.”

Asked if there were any physicians, nurses, or other health care providers on the advisory panel Chamalama answered, “Of course not.  We keep our panels bias free by excluding anyone with any real experience in health care.”

  • The Joint Commissioner

    Half joint, half commissioner, all dedication. The Joint Commissioner is the founder, chairman, CEO and sole member of the board of the Joint Commission And Then Some (JCATS). JCATS is funded by a 50% tax on physician salaries and spends 100% of its time 25% of the time on keeping patients safe and doctors guessing.

  • Show Comments

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    JaimeandPaige Butler

    That’s great!!! I laughed out loud. Everyone would rather the guarded by HIPPA than alive. Lol.

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    Julie Perderdora

    They will change you’re name to Ted don’t worry you’re all set!

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    Julie Perderdora

    They will change you’re name to Ted don’t worry you’re all set!

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    Mary A Moore

    What about Bob?…

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    Linda M Henderson

    hee hee

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    Indira Subramaniam


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    Cheryl Youne

    I still remember when they decided our blanket warmers were too hot and could burn a patient. This is without monitoring the temperature the actual blanket was by the time we took it from the warmer, went down the elevator and got to the patient’s bedside.

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    Michael Long

    oh God. not serious, or is it … hmmmmmmmm

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    Helen Aanstoos

    Burkas must be handed out to all patients as they enter the ER parking lot. Call them HIPPA burkas.

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    Cordelia A. Lyons

    Pretty darn funny! Plus it sounds like the real Joint Commission talking!!

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    Suzanne Banach

    Priceless !

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    Lisa Bickett Young


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    Victoria Beveridge

    So, despite the difference in systems, hospitals are basically the same the world over!! I relish the laughter Gomerblog brings to my life

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    Christine Braud

    still cracks me up that some readers think this stuff is real!!! really, you are all bob’s , although I’d prefer calling them all boobs. and pediatric patients are just little bobs…..

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    Kim Rutherford Heaton

    I love when she said patients would rather have their privacy protected than be alive!!! Good stuff!

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    Delaney Boling

    For a very brief second there, I thought to myself “What kind of politically correct b.s. Is this?!”
    But then I noted the source…

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    Bill Hall

    ‘Course, down heah in the South, we can hyphenate… Ortho-Bob, Uro-Bob, Lung-Bob…..

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    Susan Jones

    I read the whole thing great idea but so many more errors

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    Carole Bryant

    Love it!! Best one yet! !!

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    Robert Broddle

    Hey! I’m Bob and I would freak out if they used my name for this. I could wind up getting drugged, have an abortion, and be neutered all in the same day!

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    Bob Kickish

    This might get confusing…

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    Stephanie Kloss Schivley

    Classic. One of the funniest I have read.

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    Dorris Helton

    Anyone who has had to deal with JCAHO readily observes that they aru usually a group of nurses and physicians who are inept at their chosen profession, so they are allowed to dictate how EVERYONE should practice.

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    Melissa Harless

    This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read!!!!!!!

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    Tammy Nutt Mertens

    That is too funny!! Anyone think there’s possibly in governmental power that might be stupid enough to actually implement such a plan? I’m certain the panel would be free from bias just as kasper was in ky!

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    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    I think the last line of the article is an honest to goodness quote from multiple healthcare administrators and NOT satire. Correct me if I’m wrong? Hehehe….

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    Lyn Wilson Wyke

    Roger Willard you’re ahead of the game lol

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    Maria Federico Madonick

    That last line is priceless!!

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    Dorris Helton

    Gomerblog is the best medical satire, ever. They say what all of ih health care, or recently retired out of frustration, have uttered under our breath. 5 stars!!

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    Bennie Allen

    I want to put that on a tee shirt “we keep our panel free of bias excluding anyone with medical knowledge” lolol love it!!!!

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    Conni Errickson Miller

    One of the greatest nurses I will ever know just retired. His name is Bob. We will do this in honor of him. ;) Ha ha!

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    Jana Caldwell Ricker

    This is FABULOUS

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