anesthesiologists tone

Rectal Tone of Anesthesiologists Varies with Patients’ Oxygen Saturation

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BERLIN, GERMANY – A new and controversial study out of the esteemed Higginstein Community Surgery Center describes a curious phenomenon regarding rectal tone of anesthesiologists in response to the oxygen saturations of their patients.

anesthesiologists toneNoted researcher and board game enthusiast Dr. Doggles Heister designed an unconventional study to examine the conflicting experiences of anesthesiologists during acute intraoperative events.  Heister explains: “Some physicians say their sphincters get tight enough to crack walnuts when patients desaturate.  Others report crapping their scrubs.  I’ve done both, and I wanted to understand what’s going on down there.”

The study was performed after the IRB had left for the day.  Soviet Army surplus manometers roughly the size of soda cans were inserted into resident anesthesiologists who were volunteered by their classmates.  Senior partner Kris Kanlaz agreed to serve as control for personal reasons.

Kanlaz’s probe showed physiological peristaltic waves with occasional spikes that correlated to Fox News Alerts from the lounge TV.  One massive squeeze did occur when Kanlaz received a page from his vice chairman.

Of the test subjects, rectal tone increased in a linear fashion as patients’ oxygen saturations dropped from 100% to 50%.  At 50%, the average rectal tone was 350 Newtons (the force required to crack walnuts).  At saturations less than 50%, rectal tone was abruptly lost.

“The results appear to be biphasic,” Heister said.  “Physician sphincter tone dramatically rises but suddenly plummets as patient oxygen levels continue to fall.  So an anesthesiologist can indeed generate walnut-cracking pressures only to crap himself or herself seconds later.”

Critics argue that the study lacks clinical application.  Heister counters that he hopes the research world will take notice once he has duplicated the results in rats.  PETA has already objected to this proposal, stating that such invasive experiments should be reserved for anesthesia residents and SRNAs only.

About Dr. Doggles Heister: Heister is the author of “The Anesthesia Machine Works Better When There’s Sevo in It: Another Study We Didn’t Tell the IRB About.”  He is currently before the medical review board.

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  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Geepa

    Depends on the degree of the loss of rectal tone.

  • Avatar
    Geepa

    You just haven’t done enough.

  • Avatar
    Samit Ghia

    the truth

  • Avatar
    DiPan Patel

    Samit Ghia

  • Avatar
    Mike Wendt

    Oh geez…..thats some amazing research!!

  • Avatar
    Muhammad Mussadaq Hussain

    Amin Shazly

  • Avatar
    Jackie Edleblute

    John Flaks

  • Avatar
    Evelyn Soutar

    Say that in plain english Kev.xx

  • Avatar
    Kristie Chaney

    John Thomas this is for you:)

  • Avatar
    Paddy McClure

    Gavan McAlinden share to John mcateer

  • Avatar
    Kevin Soutar

    So. According to this, the baseline rectal tone of anesthesiologists is zero, and the sphincter only becomes functional when sats hit around 90. May be practice-altering research!

  • Avatar
    husaria

    True.

    However, they left out some data with that metric.

    Cane shaking and denture spitting from those watching FOX should have been combined in the data as well for accuracy.

    One cannot know if the data is causation or correlation

  • Avatar
    husaria

    Agreed.

    It is exactly why most JC admins are sociopathic

  • Avatar
    Zach Tappenden

    John-Paul Cotter

  • Avatar
    Zach Tappenden

    How is this not in the BMJ Christmas Edition?

  • Avatar
    Andrew Mason

    Karla Pngsrnrk Alistair Hustig Zach Tappenden

  • Avatar
    Lonnie Persinger

    the comments are as funny as the story itself!

  • Avatar
    John Dempster

    Sociopaths have impaired autonomic responses

  • Avatar
    Dennis Gray

    Look at the data for yourselves people. Rectal tone isn’t abolished till atleast a saturation less than 20%. At saturations from 50-20% rectal tone is preserved at a baseline level via a sacral parasympathetic response.

  • Avatar
    Violeta Aronov

    I love it!

  • Avatar
    Christian Welch

    The GI suite makes you battle hardened.

  • Avatar
    Mandy Bristol Swanson

    The finding alos occurs in OB providers and fetal heart tones.

  • Avatar
    Jeff Brandenburg

    Mike Brown Mike Wendt

  • Avatar
    John Powers

    Like this one! Turn monitor volume down quietly leave room

  • Avatar
    Gary Leung

    Hah! Likely accurate

  • Avatar
    Gary Leung

    Hah! Likely accurate

  • Avatar
    Maria Nikolova-Ovcharov

    :) ))) (I liked the FOX news variable input :P )

  • Avatar
    Maria Nikolova-Ovcharov

    :) ))) (I liked the FOX news variable input :P )

  • Avatar
    Linberg I-yen

    Lol

  • Avatar
    Raj Gupta

    The names are awfully familiar from Vandy! ;)

  • Avatar
    Angie Hodges Kearbey

    Yall probably wrote this article!!!! Rachel Lockhart Camille Carswell

  • Avatar
    Shannon Marie

    Haha! No boat just the board that approves the research study to be conducted. Institutional Review Board, they’re all human rights and ethics concerned…not a super fun crew for a study like this. ;)

  • Avatar
    Janet Shaw

    Berni Moore-Gallagher Jodie Dagger Helen Owen-Cooper Donna Riminton

  • Avatar
    Michael Julian

    For non Americans, what’s an IRB? Other than an inflatable rescue boat, which I suspect does not apply here?

  • Avatar
    Janet Shaw

    Bahahaha Tony Bergin Jayne Berryman Barbara O’brien Mark Gibbs Richard Galluzzo

  • Avatar
    Michael Julian

    Last time I used adenosine I managed to get a guy’s heart rate from 160 to 280… That was fun..

  • Avatar
    Lauren Ellis

    Gary Leung

  • Avatar
    Camille Carswell

    Rachel Lockhart

  • Avatar
    Chen Fong Yung

    LOL

  • Avatar
    Matthew Shatz

    Ha ha!
    I hate when that happens.

  • Avatar
    Rissa Stackhouse

    HA !!!!!!

  • Avatar
    Jon Morris

    Thomas White Oli Keane Dave Melia

  • Avatar
    Deborah Dean

    Don’t need a study-direct observation correlates findings.

  • Avatar
    Dianna Brown

    Lol. I would hate to be the one who measured this

  • Avatar
    Jewell Booth

    Awesome

  • Avatar
    Sean Malee

    note the biphasic response.

  • Avatar
    Mary Tran

    Haha! Francis Dominic

  • Avatar
    Joshua Bush

    Diamonds

  • Avatar
    Bernie Wiebe

    You know, having done anesthesia, and having dealt with patients with low oxygen levels, I suspect this finding is valid. Fortunately, I do not recall any adverse outcome in myself in those situations!

  • Avatar
    April Langholz Lynch

    Joshua Bush

  • Avatar
    Susan Beard

    Ha ha ha !!!

  • Avatar
    Rishi

    LOL! This is great!

  • Avatar
    Ragnar Peterson

    Actually had to cancel a case once and the icd-9 code was surgeon sphincter valve over pressure…….

  • Avatar
    Jaroslavna Nazarova

    well of course, the loss of rectal tone is essential for shitting bricks!

  • Avatar
    David J. Cain

    True that.

  • Avatar
    Grace del Real

    All time most favorite drug to push! Wait for it…..wait for it……waaaaiiiit, THERE! Voila! Sinus rhythm!

  • Avatar
    Marie Mahler

    True!!

  • Avatar
    Jay Winbourne

    That the 2% sheer terror voice of that profession. I know it well.

  • Avatar
    Ashish Chogle

    Wonder how the JCAHO visit affects the rectal tone of the administrators

  • Avatar
    Sarah Kohrmann

    All-time least favorite drug to push lol

  • Avatar
    Kenneth Mangion

    Amanda

  • Avatar
    Joanie Sapienza

    Bahahahahhahahahahahuahahahahahahhahahaahahauauahauaua!

  • Avatar
    Patsy Tucker Ondrias

    How do they measure that statistic?!!!

  • Avatar
    Steven Welsh

    The phenomenon is also seen in paramedics administering adenosine for SVT, when the monitor shows asystole before the rhythm converts.

  • Avatar
    Shannon Marie

    Done after the IRB left for the day!! Hahahaha!!!! Brilliant.

  • Avatar
    Sally Falzone-Lombardo

    Think it would increase…lol

  • Avatar
    Jessie Daniel

    Jay Winbourne I’m sure you’ve seen first hand evidence of this.

  • Avatar
    Alexander Estrda

    Matthew Shatz lol

  • Avatar
    Justin Chaltry

    Lol Christopher

  • Avatar
    Veronica Nicole Fries
  • Avatar
    Gomerblog

    We would consider cracking walnuts a doubling

  • Avatar
    Cheri Tessman

    Lmao

  • Avatar
    Maria Federico Madonick
  • Avatar
    Cathy Colaianni

    Hahaha

  • Avatar
    Christy Marie Menor

    Hilarious

  • Avatar
    Trudy Wiebe

    Bernie Wiebe

  • Avatar
    Abha Harish Upadhyaya

    Omg!

  • Avatar
    Sarah Kohrmann

    The pooping of pants is inevitable at that point ;)

  • Avatar
    Chananya Goldman

    Why the abrupt drop after 50%?

  • Avatar
    Angela Pettit Cornelius

    I would have thought the rectal tone would double! ;)

  • Avatar
    James Martell

    Hahahaha

  • Avatar
    Brandy Acklin Bradford

    Lol love this!!

  • Avatar
    Greg Eck

    Wes Hunter

  • Avatar
    Dorris Helton

    Commonly known as “the pucker factor”

  • Avatar
    Kelvin Corbett

    Lol!!! Good one!!
    George Iacono Christian Karcher

  • Avatar
    David DiGiantomasso

    Astro Dickson

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