npo guidelines acute pulmonary embolism

Santa Claus Aspirates Milk, Cookies after Ignoring NPO Guidelines

  • 25.8K
    Shares

NORTH POLE, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN SIBERIA & ALASKA – Christmas has been canceled as Santa Claus fights for his life in the ICU.  Thankfully he passed out presents first.  Details are sketchy as hospital policy only allows two reindeer to visit with an elf at a time.  According to several of Santa’s remarkably-inebriated Little Helpers, Rudolph has been granted power of attorney rights as Mrs. Claus has reportedly flown south to spend the holiday with Jack Frost or maybe a chupacabra.

It all started yesterday, on Christmas Eve.  Santa started delivering presents an hour earlier than usual.  He’d finally scheduled his bariatric surgery for first thing Christmas morning to allow adequate time for recovery in the off-season.  As midnight loomed closer, Santa wondered if he should stop wolfing down food at every house he visited.  The physician told him not to have anything past midnight, but it was so hard to resist beer and beef jerkey, plates of sweets, and the obligatory bottles of Coke required by his corporate sponsor.  By the time he squeezed into the last townhouse chimney and buzzed into the last apartment complex right before the break of dawn, Santa felt stuffed.

Orange beams of light from the rising sun glittered on the frozen snow when the reindeer dropped Santa off at North Pole Affiliate of Hospital Corporation of America.

“No ma’am, the last thing I ate was a plate of cookies and a glass of milk right before midnight,” Santa told anesthesia as the pre-op form rapidly filled with notations such as “morbidly obese,” “ASA and MP 4,” and “panniculus.”

Anesthesia selected a red and green sugar-glazed poison arrow frog for paralytic and Nickelback’s first CD to serve as auditory induction of anesthesia.

“The whole thing was idiopathic,” nurse anesthetist Agatha Gudell told that scary-looking lady in the maroon pantsuit from Risk Management (every hospital has one).  “The guitars hadn’t even come in on the Nickelback song, and Santa projectile vomited a whole family of gingerbread men, sugar plums, Christmas tree ornaments, reindeer steaks; it was awful!  My throat is still sore from the multiple rounds of Jingle Bells and Christmas carols we sang to resuscitate him.”

image_pdfimage_print
  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Jana Caldwell Ricker

    Jeff Hollister,
    Even Santa…

  • Avatar
    Kevin DiMauro

    Joanna Recio Harry Kopolovich merry Christmas

  • Avatar
    Jennifer Spring Athnos

    Dude… You have outdone yourself again

  • Avatar
    Alon Tatsas

    Case canceled!

  • Avatar
    David D Lara

    Wrong but so funny. Merry Christmas

  • Avatar
    David D Lara

    Wrong but so funny. Merry Christmas

  • Avatar
    Holly Scofield

    Lol. Poor santa! Hahaha

  • Avatar
    Holly Scofield

    Lol. Poor santa! Hahaha

  • Avatar
    Tara Wolf

    HaHa Santa is noncompliant!

  • Avatar
    husaria

    So, wait….NPO? So that means I can only have liquids right? Like beer, soup, milkshakes and cocktails. Ok, I’m good with that. I have to build up my strength for my big surgery

  • Avatar
    Kelly Hemken

    Most people would have thought that eggnog chugging article was written by Gomerblog, Rachel Wynn Lol. :)

  • Avatar
    Theresa Swehla

    Lol

  • Avatar
    Kelly Hemken

    Nickelback anaesthesia. :) too funny.

  • Avatar
    Todd R. Fix

    LOVE IT!

  • Avatar
    Elizabeth Svoboda

    Hahaha!

  • Avatar
    Peggy Hurst

    He needs his post extubation swallow screen!!

  • Avatar
    Daniel Sturgeon

    Jessica

  • Avatar
    Saad Mohammad

    This, is fucking hilarious. I died at “Nickelback”

  • Avatar
    wolffie :)

    Did you hear about this guy who aspirated eggnog? http://t.co/IDtH2GTjOV http://t.co/qRfyt1NrEb

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

Slow-A** Da Vinci Holds Up Lines, Taking Forever to Vote

787SharesWASHINGTON, DC – The Da Vinci Surgical Robot is proudly exercising his right to ...