emergency department

New KwikChek ED Expected to be a Hit

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BALTIMORE, MD – A revolutionary new emergency department will be tested soon in the Second Memorial Semi-Regional Healthcare Center and Annexes.  “We took functional components from the car wash and car manufacturing industries’ business models,” said Brock Welton, development consultant for Healthcare Solutions Megacorp, Inc.  “The human body is often referred to as a machine, so we decided as we designed the KwikCheck to include a little ‘preventative maintenance’ as we process, so to speak, each patient.”

emergency department“The way this will work is that attendants i.e. medical personnel, will be on each side of an aisle, or ‘run,’ with a tech pushing a patient on a gurney slowly through the aisle.  First all clothing will be removed, an ID bracelet will be applied, all vital signs checked, a 108-point visual inspection made, and (if the patient is coherent), a doctor will ask about their symptoms.”

“Secondly, saliva, urine and fecal (if possible) samples are obtained.  Thirdly, without waiting for time-consuming diagnoses, general pain meds and antibiotics will be administered ‘just in case.’  Similarly, an overhead X-ray will shoot a few pictures.  O2 will be applied if necessary, and an IV will be started if needed.  Another doctor will be posted at the end of the run to process all samples through the Lab-O-Matic, confer with the doctor at the beginning of the run via headset, and decide whether any specific treatments or other diagnostics are needed.”

“Robotic arms, similar to car-manufacturing plants, to administer the pain and antibiotics meds, start IVs, move x-ray arms, bullet/knife removal, etc., and possibly even to shave the patient, are all in the works.”

Patients can elect for the Regular treatment, as specified above, or for an extra small fee, the Gold treatment, which includes all of the above plus a hot damp washcloth applied to face and then peri area, a 10-minute mini-massage toward the end of the line, and (if able to swallow) complimentary Perrier and 2 chocolate-chip cookies at completion of visit.

Regardless of whether the Regular or Gold treatment is chosen, the patient’s Frequent-ED Card is stamped, with a free visit given after every 7 stamps.  Mr. Welton explained further: “Much as food moves through your gastrointestinal tract in a consistent manner, we think the idea of ‘patient peristalsis’ can gain hold in the healthcare community.  Each patient can move through the KwikChek ‘run,’ if you will, starting and stopping as needed for minor individual tweaks.  Larger hospitals can have 2, 3, or even 4 KwikChek ‘runs’ ready for those busy weekend evenings.”

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  • Avatar
    Casca

    Cash only drive thru dilaudid window.
    Economic problems solved.

  • Avatar
    Bill Moore

    No Dilaudid dispenser?

  • Avatar
    Mark P Stacy

    I invented this years ago for the women’s health domain. I call it “Jiffy Pap.” But my concept throws in free dry cleaning of what you’re wearing.

  • Avatar
    Joanne Cameron

    Sounds doable .

  • Avatar
    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    I think “gold” should include an automatic dilauded/phenergan/benadryl IV cocktail.

  • Avatar
    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    Man this woulda come in handy today!

  • Avatar
    Juanita Verma

    Tyler :)

  • Avatar
    Varun Malyala

    Funny–pain meds and antibiotics ‘just in case’

  • Avatar
    Andre Sookdar

    Or threaten to give a poor patient satisfaction report.

  • Avatar
    husaria

    Can I have an Abd CT, with some trops and Ckmbs? Do you want to supersize that with an ETT ( stress test ) ? It’s only a dollar more. Sure, why not? That will be $24.95, please drive around to the take out window.

  • Avatar
    husaria

    OMG! It’s made of people? Really? No, can’t be! ; )

  • Avatar
    Katrina Gabelko

    I think you pay extra for that it won’t be automatic

  • Avatar
    Katrina Gabelko

    Good point! For those special cases requiring PO contrast, I suggest getting it on the fast-food menu, since a trip to the drive-thru is pretty much de rigeur prior to ER presentation. You’re welcome

  • Avatar
    Katrina Gabelko

    I could pick up a couple shifts… I’m familiar with the patientocentric model of care BAHAHAHA

  • Avatar
    Agha Shinasai Qazi

    Eerily prescient. Will happen within our lifetime. We are soylent green…

  • Avatar
    Eva Wall

    But where’s The CT scanner? I would design a combined CT scanner and metal detector to function as the entrance to the ED, with the printout waiting on the other side as they come in. Why bother talking to a patient or examining them if you can just get a CT instead?

  • Avatar
    Christopher Blewett

    As long as they can send them to a real hospital when they are done playing doctor it should work out fine

  • Avatar
    Andre Sookdar

    But will it shoot the opoids directly in their mouths?

  • Avatar
    Emma Horrocks

    Ogilvie Thom Tanya Whitley Donna Mills Morgan Elise

  • Avatar
    Randal Dunlap

    Have always been an advocate of having a drive-up window @ my ER. This would work equally well !

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