orthopedic tools

Synthesis Introduces New Product Line, Instant Hit with Orthopaedic Surgeons

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CHESTER, PA – Orthopaedic instrument and implant manufacturer Synthesis recently introduced a new product line that has quickly become the most coveted product line in the company’s history.  Brainchild of the new Synthesis-DoYouEvenLiftÔ series, product representative Brian Cook explains the genesis of these revolutionary tools.

orthopedic tools“It was just an average day in the OR with the trauma guys, and there was typical ortho talk.  Who’s 911-Turbo is the fastest, who drinks the most rare and expensive Scotch, who can bench the most, etc. etc.  Then it hit me.  If we could somehow combine the mindless, near-constant bragging with the use of our products, THAT could be a hit.”

Synthesis-DoYouEvenLiftÔ was born overnight.  While implant technology is rapidly evolving, with focus on decreasing weight while increasing structural integrity, the tools used for these implants have not changed significantly in the last few years.

“Mallets are mallets and always have been, but these new DoYouEvenLiftÔ tools are a game changer,” says Dr. Steele Gunz, attending orthopaedic trauma surgeon at Maryland Medical Center.  “I’ll never go back to my normal tools again.”

So how do the new Synthesis-DoYouEvenLiftÔ tools differ from standard tools?

Most orthopaedic instruments are made of surgical steel, an excellent material that even when molded into large tools such as Heath mallets or bolt cutters maintains significant strength without significant mass.  “This was the exact issue.  These tools are too easy for these guys to lift and use, so they end up droning on about nonsense.  If we could somehow make these tools really, really heavy, they’d use them to show off, shifting focus to the products while decreasing Porsche and Dalmore talk.  Win-win,” says Brian.

Synthesis-DoYouEvenLiftÔ products use a proprietary alloy of surgical steel, depleted uranium and osmium, which increases product weight by 6700% without sacrificing size or function.  Depleted uranium is commonly used in military projectiles to increase kinetic energy, while osmium is the most dense naturally occurring element, being 22 times more dense than lead.  Just 1mmof the new alloy weighs 340 grams, making it the ideal metal for DoYouEvenLiftÔ tools.

“I love using these new DoYouEvenLiftÔ Gelpis!  They weigh 56 lbs., so I can get a SIIIIIIIIICK curl in before I use them to retract,” says Dr. Luke McStash, orthopaedic trauma surgeon at Harlorside Hospital in California.  “During a case I asked for a new DoYouEvenLiftÔ-depth gauge.  It was 10lbs, not too bad.  A Bennett was 38lbs… that was better, but then I asked for my go-to: Large Rongeur. I use that bad boy for everything from shaping bone to clamping off small bleeders.  I was so happy that Synthesis made a DoYouEvenLiftÔ version, 134 lbs.!”

“Its great,” Brian Cook says.  “The surgeons love the new tools.  You should have seen them with our new 244-lb. DoYouEvenLiftÔ-Reamer.  They were all bragging about who could ream the longest, how long they could hold it for.  They seem so much happier now.”

Synthesis-DoYouEvenLiftÔ series is currently available for trauma products only.  It remains to be seen whether the company will expand to the spine product line as spine product rep Samantha Gray comments, “Yeahhhh, spine surgeons… Everyday I just hope they can get done with the case as fast as possible.  Sometimes I just tell them all the parts look right, just so they will close.”

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  • Avatar
    scottie

    The pic of the rebar and chopsaw is a nice touch.

    Every knuckle-dragger knows you only score the metal (2 sides if you’re a girlie man) as then break it as a prelude to your upper body warm up. And if you f- up your rotator cuff, we can fix that!

  • Avatar
    scottie

    GomerBlog really need to up its fact-checking game. The respiratory device company “Bronco Products” is also an obvious typo.

    When I enter “Bronco Products job tester” in the search box, instead of Gooooooooogle appearing at the bottom of the page, I get Ggle. I’m worried that I may have to rethink using GomerBlog as my primary news source. :-(

  • Avatar
    Tina Campbell

    “I love using these new DoYouEvenLiftÔ Gelpis! They weigh 56lbs, so I can get a SIIIIIIIIICK curl in before I use them to retract,” For you as well, Rob Pate :)

  • Avatar
    Barbara Freeze Fulbright

    Tina Campbell

  • Avatar
    Craig Mountain

    I use a 50 lb. replica of Mjolnir in the OR.

  • Avatar
    Robert J. Scansaroli

    That was epic!

  • Avatar
    Heather M Denger

    Mark Barton , Megan Martin, Benjamin Kline

  • Avatar
    Jessie Bozelka

    Charley Marshall

  • Avatar
    Melanie Bergman

    now, if they could only make rhinestone embedded instruments for me…

  • Avatar
    Melissa Stalling

    Chris Stalling

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    Michael Paloski

    Sweet! That way I’ll only do my CrossFit WOD with my bros at the box twice a day instead of three times a day.

  • Avatar
    Joshua Paschke

    Michael Paloski

  • Avatar
    Stephen Sample

    Brian Woebkenberg Brian Blessinger

  • Avatar
    Morgan Smith

    Kristin Cola

  • Avatar
    Robert Gobble Davis

    Too funny. 56 lb gelpi retractors are the wave of the future!!

  • Avatar
    Su McKenzie

    Robert!

  • Avatar
    Heather McGuire

    Don’t like the typo in the header. SYNTHESE? Right? Lol!

  • Avatar
    Mike Plakke

    Alex Sielatycki

  • Avatar
    Charles Oehrlein

    Phillip Workman

  • Avatar
    Sara Fu

    Eric Fu

  • Avatar
    Anton Mou

    Dharsh

  • Avatar
    Saad Mohammad

    David Potter lmao

  • Avatar
    Kevin Wright

    First we have to get the Sterile Kitchen Sinks and then we can get these

  • Avatar
    John Erdtmann

    Kevin Wright – when are we getting the new sets?

  • Avatar
    Stuart Damon

    The three-fold mantra of orthopedics:

    If it doesn’t work, use a mallet

    If that doesn’t work, use a larger mallet

    If that doesn’t work, Ortho is off the case until the swelling subsides.

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