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WASHINGTON, DC – The White House has announced that North Korea has successfully hacked yet another electronic staple of American life – the drug-dispensing Pyxis machines.  Americans were recently outraged and appalled when Sony Pictures announced their decision to cancel the release of “The Interview” based on cyber attacks.

north korea hackersIt now appears that North Korean hackers have incapacitated Pyxis machines which deliver parenteral narcotics, and are counting on narcotic withdrawal-induced violence and mayhem to absolutely scorch America from within.

The North Koreans have shrewdly and correctly surmised that 75% of American ER visits and hospital admissions end with “narcotic receptor saturation,” a state of delirious semi-consciousness which results in the patient being unable to ask for more narcotics, yet unable to argue with discharge.

“This has to be corrected immediately,” said White House Spokesman Ari Lindenflugel, MS, JD, Ph.D.

“If the Emergency Departments of America can’t serve their rightful place as modern-day free opium dens, our entire medical community, and society itself, may crumble.  Kudos to the narcotic-dependent Americans who are fighting off hospital staff and security to bash in the Pyxis machines with their fists to get what they need – they are true Patriots.”

The National Guard is taking position as mass opioid withdrawal will be commencing in 3… 2… 1…

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Jake Ho
After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.