sick patient

Emergency Medicine Attending Fails to Admit Old Man, Resigns

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BLOOMINGTON, IN – Emergency medicine attending, Dr. Howard Rugers, announced his retirement yesterday after failing to find reason for admission for 95-year-old Herschel Levenstein, a resident at a local senior living apartment.

sick patient
Herschel: Unadmittable

“We hit him early and hard, acute on chronic weakness, altered mental status, the works,” notes Rugers.  “We hung up a calendar from the Carter administration and played the ’76 Montreal Olympic Games on his TV.  He stayed alert and oriented the whole time.  The guy is a rock.”

Jonathan Tanner, a medical statistician at Loyola University, explained: “Generally the patient’s age is roughly the percent chance of admission.  With Levenstein it should’ve been a slam dunk, a scientific certainty even.”  Tanner notes that Rugers’ admission rate has declined sharply ever since his return from a week-long seminar on Press Ganey scoring.  “So much of the admission is mental,” says Tanner.  “You have to actually believe the words you are writing.”

But some may disagree.  “This isn’t my first rodeo with these schmucks,” states Levenstein, whose medical record includes a formidable shutout following the discovery of asymptomatic gallstones on ultrasound.  “Two years ago they tried to get me for a fall on Coumadin.  Hah!  I don’t even take Coumadin.”  Levenstein’s record against the ED improves to an impressive 6-0-1, with one overnight in observation.

Rugers boasts a celebrated career as well, having first earned fame as a freshman attending for a daring “unresponsiveness” admission on a woman who was found asleep in bed.  “A few years ago I would’ve had this guy in the ICU,” laments Rugers during a press conference where he was accompanied by his wife and two children.  “This is a wake-up call that I’ve lost my edge and it’s time to move on.  I’m looking forward to the next challenge life has in store for us.”

ED managers say Rugers will be replaced by rookie DO attending Dr. Brian Fielding.  When asked, Fielding states, “Levenstein is a tough patient to face in the lineup, but he’s not used to facing DOs and I have a few tricks ready for him.”  Fielding declined to comment with many details, but did mention D-dimers and bone scans would likely be part of his strategy.

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  • Avatar
    John Dodson

    Friday humor via : RT EM Attending Fails to Admit Old Man, Resigns – http://t.co/DMNEpcTIsH #geriatrics

  • Avatar
    Rahul Goswami

    Classic stuff

  • Avatar
    Casca

    Had a nursing home send us 8 patients one night for varying reasons- turns out one of their nurses did not show up for her shift so they sent all of her patients to us.
    Gave several of them a bottle of mag citrate just before they went back to the nursing home.

  • Avatar
    Venk Bellamkonda, MD

    “: http://t.co/IKKRlgJKYh #Old_Man http://t.co/eTzq73BmGC” — Pts age is % chance of admit (pure gold!)

  • Avatar
    Evelyn Christopher Lewis

    Elevate CRP will always get you in

  • Avatar
    Geoff Froehlich

    They obviously never learned the old poo on the blood culture trick

  • Avatar
    Jackie Lamme

    Obviously they don’t have a direct admission policy at their hospital. ;-)

  • Avatar
    Jackie Lamme

    Obviously they don’t have a direct admission policy at their hospital. ;-)

  • Avatar
    RuaMor

    Yest ’em till ya find something. And you will. You will.

  • Avatar
    Birinder Giddey

    Akshay Hungenahally

  • Avatar
    Dan Makarov

    Adam Landman!

  • Avatar
    Sajan Patel

    Brad Ching

  • Avatar
    Rocco Arcieri

    If he lived alone he’d be in

  • Avatar
    Christie Shanafelt

    Sadly, this sounds like fact, not satire.

  • Avatar
    Paul Groves

    James Soultana

  • Avatar
    Laurie Amons

    Love it!

  • Avatar
    James VanWinkle

    Awesomeness LOL

  • Avatar
    Patrick B. Smollen

    Genius

  • Avatar
    Morgan Smith

    Leah Beegan hahahahaha yessssssss

  • Avatar
    Morgan Smith

    Alma Velayo Hahahahahahahahahahahahah

  • Avatar
    Carol Lewandowski Szczepanski

    Yes, very funny. Working on the “rehab” end of these admissions, I must say there is some truth to this. Families sometimes just don’t know how to care for their elders anymore. The insurance system is set up so that Pts need a 3 day hospital stay to qualify for nursing home rehab admissions. Admissions to nursing homes directly from home is a thing of the past, especially for elderly with little money. Maybe as we’re looking at reducing health care costs, Medicare needs to change this policy.

  • Avatar
    Walter Bowers

    If only he would’ve been able to fake it better. I guess the old man isn’t hip to the ways of today’s highly successful drug seekers. Time is running out for him to learn a new trick.

  • Avatar
    Christopher Befort

    This is one of the best ones I’ve read

  • Avatar
    Matt Meisheid

    This story makes no sense

  • Avatar
    Justin Huang

    Yeah Gomerblog’s on a roll!

  • Avatar
    TJ Webb

    GomerBlog just keeps getting better. May be my new favorite!

  • Avatar
    Betsy O’Herron Tolbert

    Generally the patient’s age is roughly the percent chance of admission.

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