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WASHINGTON, DC – The Journal of the American National Society, Committee, and Association of Urinary Retention and Other Things Too (JANSCAUROTT) estimates that nearly 1 million medical providers are not only afflicted but also undiagnosed with F2P or Fail-to-Pee or Forgot-to-Pee Syndrome, making it second only to Burnout Galore (BG) as the leading cause of morbidity in medical providers in the United States.  Medical providers are shocked, stunned yet somehow not surprised by the findings.

“It all makes sense now,” said shaken pediatric pulmonologist Cary Asterixis.  “I knew I had forgotten to do something for a few days now.  Will you excuse me?”

peeNephrologist, leading expert on F2P syndrome, and author of the poem “The Commode Not Taken,” Roberta Frost explains.

“F2P syndrome is composed of a triad of symptoms – caffeine consumption, too busy to pee, and failure or forgetting to pee – the last symptom leading to the name of the condition,” quickly commented a very uncomfortable Frost, crossing her legs and doing the peepee dance.  She speaks even faster.  “Ultimately, massive urine production without an outlet leads to hydronephrosis, renal failure, and all the complications of renal failure, including urem-”  Frost’s statement ended abruptly as she rushed to the ladies room, leaving a trail of darkly colored urine behind.

The JANSCAUROTT statement is based on a staghorn increase of case reports in the literature describing nurses, physicians, and other medical providers who are: (1) dependent on caffeine to make it through their workdays, (2) so busy that they completely forget to urinate altogether, and (3) symptomatic as a result.  Though there are no known provider deaths due to F2P syndrome, there has certainly been an exponential increase in the need for Foley catheter placement, temporary dialysis, and environmental service workers to clean up the mess.

“I’m not going to lie, this can be very inconvenient,” remarked physician assistant Joey Clearwater, pointing to his white coat pocket containing a Foley bag with 900 cc of urine.  “But it’s worth not having the lower abdominal and flank pain anymore.  So in that respect, it’s fantastic.”

“In medical providers who are fortunate enough to have an intervention, there are two pathognomonic findings for F2P syndrome,” explained a relieved and smiling Frost, back from the bathroom at least three pounds lighter.  “The first finding is called the ‘urinary sigh’ in which a medical provider with early F2P syndrome sighs with initiation of urination thus relieving the urinary system.  The second finding is called the ‘urinary orgasm’ in which a medical provider with late F2P syndrome moans and experiences a prolonged orgasm from the pleasure and ecstasy of making urine for the first time in a long time.  That’s what I just had.”

Nephrologists, urologists, and environmental service workers across the country are hoping that the JANSCAUROTT statement will lead to increased recognition of F2P syndrome and the preservation of kidneys and bladders of medical providers for future generations to come.

“We must make sure that our kidneys thrive by remembering to pee and peeing freely,” added ICU nurse JJ Stent, freshly changed into a pair of urine-free scrubs.  “That way and only that way can we face our demanding healthcare system and suffer in the more traditional manners of stress and psychological meltdown.”

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.
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