buffet

Government to Mandate Scale-Operated Doors at All American Buffet Restaurants

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WASHINGTON, DC – At the urging of First Lady Michelle Obama, the POTUS has issued an executive order aimed at curtailing the staggering rates of obesity and obesity-related health problems in the US.  The plan will require all buffet-style restaurants to implement a BMI-calculating scale at the point of entry; if a customer’s BMI is higher than 35, the restaurant’s door won’t open.  The scale-activated door also shuts out any potential customer who weighs more than 325 lbs, regardless of BMI.

buffet“This simple negative feedback loop will help reign in many of the health problems Americans face.  We predict a substantial drop in heart attacks, diabetes, osteoarthritis, strokes, high blood pressure, various cancers, high cholesterol, and liver disease,” the President explained at a press conference last week.

The scales, which will not only weigh the customers but also measure height for BMI calculation, will cost about $10,000–20,000 each, depending on the model.  Every restaurant in the U.S. serving buffet-style or “all you can eat” servings will be legally mandated to buy its own BMI activated door scale.

Sandra Cuthbertson, 47, of Culpeper, Virginia was available for comment while exiting a local Golden Enclosure on her Hoveround.  “The freedoms our forefathers fought and died for are being eroded by our current dictator.  Now, the government can tell me where I can and can’t spend my disability check?  This is just as bad as Nazi Germany,” she mumbled while lighting a cigarette.

Civil authorities are recommending that restaurant owners buy the most durable scales available, as vandalism to the devices is expected.  Crowds outside buffet restaurants are also anticipated, as spectators will certainly enjoy watching stonewalled obese customers exercising in the parking lot in attempts to “make weight.”

Supporters of the President are calling this a “life-saving” measure, while many others are claiming discrimination against obese citizens.  Either way, it is here to stay, so get ready to hop on that scale.

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  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Trudy Garland Iams

    Bad idea..I see future contests, who could eat the most lbs of food.

  • Avatar
    Liz Swink

    I don’t think it’ll matters. As dumb as mandating 16oz only soft drinks in NYC. THAT worked well.

  • Avatar
    Jenny PeaCox

    ^^Ha! Well played dan Williams!!

  • Avatar
    Steve Horine

    That’s bullshit

  • Avatar
    Mike Stan

    You do realize the entire site is composed of articles of satire…..

  • Avatar
    Allison Graham

    I think this is a great idea. Keep people from cutting their legs off just to have an excuse to have a place to smuggle out buffet snacks. Besides, amputees were asking for it.

  • Avatar
    Beth Morris

    Better to pay by the pound for what is on your plate. People load up to get their money’s worth and stuff themselves.

  • Avatar
    Dan Williams

    See, I’m proving the IQ is dropping. I did not know.

  • Avatar
    Dan Williams

    See, I’m proving the IQ is dropping. I did not know.

  • Avatar
    Mickie Geri Farris

    ….you know this article is from a satire site, right?

  • Avatar
    Mickie Geri Farris

    ….you know this article is from a satire site, right?

  • Avatar
    Coleen McMahon

    Stupid…..spend our money wisely! Most people know their weight!

  • Avatar
    Coleen McMahon

    Stupid…..spend our money wisely! Most people know their weight!

  • Avatar
    Terry N Teresa Rolan

    Makes more sense that ACA does, and addresses many of the root causes of high health care.

  • Avatar
    Dan Williams

    This is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen, fat people know they are fat. I swear people’s overall IQ is dropping daily.

  • Avatar
    Jaime Diaz Borges

    Totalmente de acuerdo !!!!

  • Avatar
    Yashvir Sangwan

    those who have heard me say this – please show your support — this was my idea since 2008

  • Avatar
    Juni Ramos

    Que crees? Jaime Diaz Borges

  • Avatar
    Sheryl Auel Howard

    Sounds like Michelle has invaded

  • Avatar
    Megan Wharton

    Yashvir Sangwan is this your idea? Lol

  • Avatar
    Rocco Arcieri

    Scale BEFORE entering
    And then it spits out a card listing all you are allowed to eat (might not be good for business though)

  • Avatar
    Keith Pochick

    Brilliant idea, Evgueni — capital gains tax!

  • Avatar
    Evgueni Minev

    I would also suggest that there is an exit CAD tax of 500% on the net weight gain (weight out – weight in)!!!!

  • Avatar
    Dr Roy Arnold

    I could support an initiative like this.

  • Avatar
    Eileen Left

    I am at a breakfast buffet right now. I did well only one plateful ( big plate) I am going to get my money’s worth by finishing this Carafe of coffee – jitters be damned!

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