WASHINGTON, DC – At the urging of First Lady Michelle Obama, the POTUS has issued an executive order aimed at curtailing the staggering rates of obesity and obesity-related health problems in the US.  The plan will require all buffet-style restaurants to implement a BMI-calculating scale at the point of entry; if a customer’s BMI is higher than 35, the restaurant’s door won’t open.  The scale-activated door also shuts out any potential customer who weighs more than 325 lbs, regardless of BMI.

buffet“This simple negative feedback loop will help reign in many of the health problems Americans face.  We predict a substantial drop in heart attacks, diabetes, osteoarthritis, strokes, high blood pressure, various cancers, high cholesterol, and liver disease,” the President explained at a press conference last week.

The scales, which will not only weigh the customers but also measure height for BMI calculation, will cost about $10,000–20,000 each, depending on the model.  Every restaurant in the U.S. serving buffet-style or “all you can eat” servings will be legally mandated to buy its own BMI activated door scale.

Sandra Cuthbertson, 47, of Culpeper, Virginia was available for comment while exiting a local Golden Enclosure on her Hoveround.  “The freedoms our forefathers fought and died for are being eroded by our current dictator.  Now, the government can tell me where I can and can’t spend my disability check?  This is just as bad as Nazi Germany,” she mumbled while lighting a cigarette.

Civil authorities are recommending that restaurant owners buy the most durable scales available, as vandalism to the devices is expected.  Crowds outside buffet restaurants are also anticipated, as spectators will certainly enjoy watching stonewalled obese customers exercising in the parking lot in attempts to “make weight.”

Supporters of the President are calling this a “life-saving” measure, while many others are claiming discrimination against obese citizens.  Either way, it is here to stay, so get ready to hop on that scale.

Jake Ho
After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.