patient satisfaction flag

Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Patient Satisfaction Surveys

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GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA – A detainee with confirmed ties to Al Qaeda made claims yesterday that the group operates an American corporation designed to destroy the U.S. health care delivery system from the inside.  Al-Piq A’Bugr, an alleged Al Qaeda operative and Yemeni national, spilled some chilling details during a friendly questioning session over a waterboard at Gitmo.

patient satisfaction flag“We set up our medical research firm in the least likely place anyone would suspect Islamic extremist activity: South Bend, Indiana.  Then we gave it an incredibly capitalist, almost law-firm sounding name: Prest Ganey. That part was easy.  The next steps were a combination of shrewd planning, good fortune, and American stupidity.  We were able to convince virtually all of America that patient satisfaction is a good marker of health care quality!!”

“Anyone with a shred of common sense or a few days of experience caring for patients knows that this concept is absurd.  However, thanks to our lavish dinner and golf meetings with high-ranking government officials, insurance company big-shots, and Big Pharma CEOs, our clinically useless but easily collected patient satisfaction data now determine public perception of good medical care.  We met with anyone we could in the health care industry.  Well, besides the doctors, nurses, and health care providers in the trenches, of course.”

Between gasps of air and “refreshing dunks,” A’Bugr continued.  “We hoped and prayed that our company would cause the doctors, nurses, NPs, and PAs to go on strike and, due to their collective absence, endanger the health of ill Americans seeking medical care.  What we got was beyond our wildest fantasies (well, except for that whole 23 virgins in heaven thing).”

“The doctors and nurses had no backbone to stand up to our sham company, the government and insurance companies forced our meaningless data down their throats, and the patients became captains of the ship.  It became, quite literally, inmates running an asylum.  Patients got more tests, more cancers, more drugs, more prescriptions, more addictions, and higher mortality.  Here is the best part: the government, American taxpayers, and insurance companies are funding it all!”

“Thanks to Prest Ganey, Americans are not only sicker and more likely to die, they are also dependent on drugs and in more debt by the billions.  If that weren’t enough, the Prest Ganey sham provides us with at least $100M in revenue per year.  And Americans can’t figure out why their medical bills are so high.  Blahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!  Derka Derka!!!”

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  • Jake Ho

    After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Cameron Gardner

    I think I just threw up in my mouth…

  • Avatar
    Brian Barstad

    Cameron Gardner Jennifer Loew Barstad Tammy Chapman

  • Avatar
    Audrey Lamoureux

    Awesome article. Amusingly accurate…sadly.

  • Avatar
    Melissa Lynch Moses

    Hmmm, this one might actually be true….

  • Avatar
    Karen Macias

    Hahahaha!!! I knew it!!!

  • Avatar
    Heidi Hannibal Torvik

    I knew it!

  • Avatar
    Catherine Cox

    Best one since your awesome rectal foreign body article. ☺

  • Avatar
    Ruth Sonnenberg

    Hahahahahaha!!!

  • Avatar
    Janet Laster Purkey

    This is fabulous

  • Avatar
    Sue Mae

    My thoughts exactly on that sentence!

  • Avatar
    Victoria Ramirez

    Lol! “and the patients became captains of the ship. It became, quite literally, inmates running an asylum.”

  • Avatar
    Sue Mae

    Victoria Ramirez

  • Avatar
    Terry N Teresa Rolan

    “The doctors and nurses had no backbone to stand up to our sham company, the government and insurance companies forced our meaningless data down their throats”

    Amen!

  • Avatar
    Lori Lerner

    Haha!

  • Avatar
    Keith Pochick

    Al-Piq A’Bugr is one slimy fingered guy. He is smearing his nasty hands on all of us working in healthcare.

  • Avatar
    Tom Medford

    Jennifer Fought

  • Avatar
    Janelle Whitt

    Tom Medford
    Susan McDonald Spooner

  • Avatar
    Betty Anness

    Damn them!

  • Avatar
    Greg Eck

    Send out the drones.

  • Avatar
    Fawaz Alsmaan

    One correction … They are promised with 72 virgins not 23.

  • Avatar
    Mary Joy

    Our ER manager just sent us an email because a patient left a bad Yelp. I knew it was terrorism! Lol

  • Avatar
    Linda Liebermann Evans

    Could happen–lol

  • Avatar
    Karen Slama

    Thanks Kim Hester!

  • Avatar
    Kendra Nelson Azelton

    Brandon Browne

  • Avatar
    Debi Isel

    I KNEW it was a terrorist plot!

  • Avatar
    June Curry

    These people have way too much time on their hands!!

  • Avatar
    Serge Medlenov

    LOL

  • Avatar
    Jacquelyn Riley Martin

    LOL!

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