vaccines

WASHINGTON, DC – In what is being hailed as a huge victory for the anti-vaccine movement, Big Pharma announced to the world today that they’ve been fooling everyone all along, that vaccines don’t work, and that they’ve secretly been trying to kill off a huge chunk of the global population by putting various toxins into all vaccines.

vaccines“The huge pressure from the highly organized anti-vaxxer movement has inevitably worn us down to the point where we just can’t hide it any longer,” announced Andrew Witty, the CEO of GlaxoSmithKline, which makes the diphtheria/tetanus/pertussis and hepatitis B vaccines.  Both of those vaccines cause rectal cancer, impotence, and leprosy, it was revealed. “We give up.  This whole time, we just wanted to knock off a few hundred million people so it wouldn’t be so crowded everywhere.  You got us.”

“Sorry,” finished Witty.

The gathering of Big Pharma CEO’s from Johnson & Johnson, Novartis, Roche, Eli Lilly, and Bayer then made a presentation entitled “You Wanted the Truth…,” in which it was revealed that global vaccinations against horrific and debilitating diseases such as polio and smallpox were a sham to try to make “a sh*t ton of money from all you suckers” while coming up with a way to offload “a bunch of aborted fetal parts, mutant human-rat cell lines, and formaldehyde we had laying around,” which were then ground up and blended into the vaccines.

“Even though we ended up making only $24 billion from vaccines in 2013, which was just 1.82% of the more than $1 trillion we made globally, that money really helped us put the finishing touches on all of our mansions,” revealed Novartis CEO Joseph Jimenez.  “I personally was able to make the final payment on my Manhattan penthouse pied-à-terre by systematically injecting innumerable helpless infants with manufactured poison.”

The companies reportedly had “a hell of a time” trying to cover-up concerns about autism, which they said “of course” is directly caused by not only the chicken pox vaccine but also the annual flu vaccine.

“Yeah, that whole autism thing was a close one,” said Marijn E Dekkers, Bayer CEO.  “But then we pulled that herd immunity BS out of our butts, and along with all those fabricated prospective, randomized trials in respected journals, we convinced almost everybody that vaccines were safe again.”

“Man, you idiots really drank that Kool-Aid.  Now you all have autism!  Chumps.”

According to the presentation, if it hadn’t been for the “barrage of well-reasoned logical arguments” and “relentless and diligent sleuthing” of Beverly Hills moms who filed “all those damn PBE’s [personal belief exemptions]” and never vaccinated their children, “we might have gotten away with this for a lot longer,” admitted Witty.

The CEO’s concluded the presentation with a promise of “even bigger news tomorrow” with a “special announcement” regarding the real purpose of antibiotics, insulin, and Tylenol.

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  • Colleen Willis

    GOOGLE “VACCINATION VERSUS SANITATION”… GOOGLE “BILL GATES AND VACCINE DEPOPULATION”…VACCINES KILL AND MAIME AND BECAUSE OF IT THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY IS MAKING BILLIONS OFF OF OUR SICKNESS AND DEATH BY CREATING DISEASE AND INJECTING THEM INTO OUR BODIES BY WAY OF VACCINES SO THEY CAN PROFIT OFF OF OUR FUTURE SICKNESS THEY CREATED…GOOD SCAM PEOPLE ARE BUYING INTO. BEFORE VACCINES “SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME” AND AUTISM WERE UNHEARD OF, NOT TO MENTION HOW LARGE THE CANCER INDUSTRY IS..THINK FOR YOURSELVES AND DON’T FOLLOW THE MEDICAL PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY THAT IS ONLY THERE TO PROFIT OFF OF YOUR AILS. THERE ARE NATURAL REMEDIES FOR EVERYTHING. EATING UNPROCESSED NON FLUORIDATED WATER IS A START.

  • P. E. Stewart

    How can automobile manufacturers blatantly lie and say that seat belts are effective? People who wear seat belts can still die in motor vehicle collisions anyway. How can they lie and say they are safe, when they cause horrible abdominal and shoulder bruising and are associated with Chance vertebral fractures and lifelong lower back pain?

    Science may not have things figured out 100%, but that doesn’t mean you can fill the percentage points with whatever spurious associations one has dreamed up.

  • Caleb John Keller

    Your friend developed a rare adverse effect! It does not happen to everyone! I never became sick after getting a flu shot! Who knows was he immune deficient? Sounds like he was!

  • Caleb John Keller

    Where is the scholarly research for the proof! This article is b.s. As vaccines do more good then harm! I’m saying to who ever wrote this you are out of ur crazy mind! Are you really trying to kill the world scaring people from becoming vaccinated? Vaccines are created to protect the community from becoming wiped out from communicable disease epidemics! There is currently a rise of measles that appeared in eastern Ontario because of people not getting vaccinated. It doesn’t exclusively protect every one who gets vaccinated… It also protects people who can not because they are immune deficient on some way! The doctor who suggested that vaccines cause autism had published false research and was asked to resign their designation for unethical practices. If vaccine companies wanted to kill the population then I think they would have placed some sort of neuro-degenerative or muscle-degenerative toxins that could wipe the population, and they would have killed us already! Tell me why I am still here today to write this argument! Wtf are you doing this? There is scholarly research that outweighs the negatives with positives! The only potential danger is caused from adverse effects such as allergic reactions. I don’t think that there has been anything reported about a documented case of someone dying from being vaccinated. My point is… Out of millions vaccinated every year there has been no reports about death caused by vaccines, NO PROOF of vaccines causing autism or any other physiological problems. If you are diagnosed with autism you probably developed it at birth or in-utero, just the common signs and symptoms manifested over the period from birth to the time a definitive diagnosis was established. Another point is that large pharmaceutical companies make lots of other products! They could just tamper with their soaps and shampoo’s, makeup, and many other products that could kill us? Why vaccines? People don’t stop protecting yourself because people are stupid and can’t provide the proof!

  • Nat Philosopher

    I don’t think they are trying to kill everybody with vaccines. Their goal is profit, not population control. I do think though, they don’t give a tinker’s damn since Congress indemnified them from any consequences.
    And I think you’d have to be nuts to think they have your best interests at heart and are always honest and upstanding.
    And, at this point, I don’t see any evidence at all that they are regulated in any meaningful way by any government agency. Rather, the revolving-door government seems to be part of their marketing campaign.

    And I think the picture most people have about the safety and effectiveness of vaccines comes straight from the marketing department. Yet practically nobody seems to question any element of the story.

  • ThePunkyLookingKiddo

    Nope, pediatric surgeon at a children’s hospital. Babies and children only, no reps allowed. Sorry if that doesn’t conform to your cynical worldview.

  • Catherine Bruder

    They start vaccinating at 12 HOURS of age. 21 vaccines before the age of six, and generally 6 more before the age of 18, for a total of 27 in childhood. Some vaccines are given multiple times (for example, the DTaP – diptheria, tetanus, and pertussis – is given 5 times). Not to mention the flu shot. 5 vaccinations were recommended in the 50’s. 8 in the 60’s and 7 (no small pox needed) in the 70’s. Guess how many they get now? So if you’re healthy and not suffering like many children do now, you better not make fun of a serious issue.

  • Catherine Bruder

    And you sound like a shareholder. I bet you’re the type of physician that has reps in and out of your office consistently.

  • Catherine Bruder

    YEAH! And like the aluminum that goes to your brain…well, it’s good for you! It makes you smarter! (apparently not) That’s right….I’m laughing at you!

  • Catherine Bruder

    prove it’s just a conspiracy theory. trusting in the government with all of your being is highly incompetent. Big pharma., Big Ag., and the government love customers like you. you’re very loyal. (how is that for sarcasm?)

  • Catherine Bruder

    Funny. the CDC owns and has the patent on Ebola yet wants to vaccinate everyone as to avoid a pandemic. If they created it, they surely have the cure as well. And you want everyone to trust these same people with our children’s weak immune systems and use a one size fits all program? shame on you for trusting in MAN without question.

  • kctaz

    laural,

    IN the world before vaccines, I had all the diseases. Measles nearly killed me. It can also cause blindness and if pregnant women are exposed to measles, it can kill the baby or cause it to be deaf. Beverly Sills child was born death thanks to a fan with measles who just had to have her autograph.

    I have three brothers who also did not receive vaccines as they were no developed then. Two out of the three have asthma. One other and myself do not. You “evidence” is the same as when they believed in spontaneous generation. BTW, we do not know what causes asthma. No clue. If you know that vaccines cause asthma, inform the NIH and CDC etc. because it will be news to them.

  • kctaz

    Turns out he does not respond to vaccines at all–and there is a population of people like him.

    ________

    Who told you that, laurel?

  • Toxi

    From the moment of birth, the human immune system is exposed to tens of thousands of things every day that it has to “fight off”. If the human immune system can handle the “overwhelming assault” that comes from existing, it can handle all the vaccines it is given.

    The fact that some people have compromised immune systems is exactly why you should vaccinate your kids even if you think MMR isn’t serious. Your child may not get seriously ill form it, but when they infect the immuno-compromised kid sitting next to them in study hall…then what?

  • P. E. Stewart

    Your autoimmune hypothesis has zero evidence to back it up.

    Vaccines, however, have been demonstrated to be effective. The diseases they’re fighting are not mild. Individual cases might be, but that is leaving much to fortune. On a population basis, these pathogens are known killers, which is regrettable because effective, safe, and inexpensive prevention is readily available.

    You went to college and learned about disease? These are the conclusions they helped you reach? I’d ask for a refund.

    When I was in high school I planned to become a flying acrobat — defying gravity. When I went to college and learned about ‘physics’, I realized it was a war no one could win. Still, I feel sufficiently qualified to sit in the front row at Cirque Du Soleil shows and point out every thing I think they’re doing wrong. They’re always “impressed” by the amount of time I’ve spent on the internet doing my research, and “appreciate” my expressions of my ability to think for myself… or at least that’s what they tell me every time their security escorts me out.

  • guest

    I knew it all along! Thank you, gomerblog, for revealing the true horrors of vaccines. Looking forward to measles this Halloween – I won’t have to waste $$ on a costume!

  • Dawn Simmons Meyers

    LOL!

  • Diane Vacante

    Alison Tolleson you will love this. Lol

  • Andre Sookdar

    She’s too busy smoking her e-cigs

  • Nicolai

    “…but send millions to the hospital regularly for the remainder of their lives for treatment for allergies, autoimmune diseases and asthma,”
    Citation, please?

    “EVERY child I knew when growing up. Not one of them died or even ended up in the hospital!…I concentrated on the truly serious illnesses that are life-threatening with my children. They have no allergies, no asthma, no autoimmune problems whatsoever.”
    That sounds like the anecdotal, Jenny McCarthy kind of evidence.

  • Jody Madden

    I just can’t imagine why my mother had me vaccinated. I could have had small pox, polio and lots of fun childhood diseases. Now I’m just a healthy adult (with autism, of course.)

  • Conni Errickson Miller

    Unfortunately you will probably be stuck with Fox News. :)

  • Zaran

    dammit big pharma…what about my shrill paycheck

  • thinkingthinker

    neither mumps, measles and rubella are benign or mild diseases. some vaccines are also given for other reasons than just the direct effect on your child. when rubella was widespread, pregnant women who contracted it suffered devastating fetal outcomes. chicken pox also causes these issues. measles is one of the biggest killers of children under 5 in the undeveloped world. there are reasons for these things. nobody is trying to harm you or your children, except yourself (unintentionally).

  • Susan Beckman

    Key word here people is “satire”

  • Mike Clark

    Yeah right. Remember Poe’s Law?

  • Darren Baker

    Brilliant.

  • Sarah Kohrmann

    Lol @ “his body didn’t make the ant-bodies that was needed” above. What?!

  • Connor Lehman

    If that was the case Unfortunately even if he didn’t take the vaccine he would have developed the symtoms later when he inevitably came in contact with the flu virus. All vaccines contain is an inert form of the virus they are trying to build immunity to, so this kind of a reaction really has nothing to do with the vaccine and everything to do with the patient receiving it.

  • Bob Davis

    At last, the truth. I just got a shingles shot and already have the shakes. What’s more, our little Doxie dog is going “roof! roof!”

  • Bob Davis

    At last, the truth. I just got a shingles shot and already have the shakes. What’s more, our little Doxie dog is going “roof! roof!”

  • Bob Davis

    At last, the truth. I just got a shingles shot and already have the shakes. What’s more, our little Doxie dog is going “roof! roof!”

  • Ilana Finkelsztein

    LOL!

  • Ilana Finkelsztein

    LOL!

  • Ilana Finkelsztein

    LOL!

  • Karen Osler

    People who believe this may need to avoid vaccines….#Darwin.

  • Antonio Morgado

    Agree, lol.

  • Delius

    laural, how are you defining “too many” vaccinations? Is it one? 10? 20? What is the number? Clearly you think there are too many now. How many would you think are safe, and why?

    And, by the way, are you aware that, even though people receive more SHOTS now, they actually receive fewer PROTEINS than they used to, i.e. the stuff that actually causes the immune system to react? Because of advances in our understanding of immunology?

    In reality, the number of vaccinations being given are nowhere near the body’s ability to cope with. Like, THOUSANDS OF TIMES less than the body’s capacity. So your fear about “overwhelming” the immune system is baseless.

  • ThePunkyLookingKiddo

    Well, I’m a physician, but I guess that doesn’t trump laural’s personal anecdotes.

  • laural

    You are way too ‘focused’ on the little things and assuming humans are actually in control. You will NEVER beat all disease. It just ‘ain’t gonna happen’. If you eradicate one disease, another will pop up–maybe an even worse one. Humans are not in charge–life is. One thing is sure, the government, pharmaceutical and medical industries will love you! Vaccinate every single child for even the mild diseases and you will save a few of the ones with already compromised immune systems, but send millions to the hospital regularly for the remainder of their lives for treatment for allergies, autoimmune diseases and asthma–keeps everyone in business! You can either look at the big picture and save millions or focus on the little things and save a few. I am from the time when every single child I knew got measles, mumps, chicken pox, etc. EVERY child I knew when growing up. Not one of them died or even ended up in the hospital! I know it happens but there is almost always another reason–not the chicken pox or measles itself. I concentrated on the truly serious illnesses that are life-threatening with my children. They have no allergies, no asthma, no autoimmune problems whatsoever. They are very robust. When I was in high school I planned to become a research scientist–looking for cures. When I went to college and learned about ‘disease’, I realized it was a war no one could win. Life has been and always will be in charge.

  • Heather Rossler

    The misinformed will believe this because it’s “on the web”. Must be true.

  • SSolero

    Nothing she said sounds like she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. You sound kind of flighty and the type of person who believes whatever is shown on the nightly news though. Smh

  • SSolero

    Not ONE person will think this is real. Give me a F*cking break.

  • Denise Petrie

    Lol …satire trouble is some people will think it is true

  • Kate Noel

    Hahah! Funny ;)

  • ThePunkyLookingKiddo

    Diseases that are non-life-threatening for YOUR children doesn’t take into account the fact that those diseases my be life-threatening for OTHER children (or adults). Vaccination is for the safety of the population, not the individual. Herd immunity protects everyone, especially the most vulnerable. You are precisely the kind of “informed” person I am targeting for satire in this article.

  • laural

    Ha, ha. There IS probably going to be a small population that will think this is real. Funny thing is they don’t make fun of the ‘real’ problems a lot of my friends in the medical field are more worried about. They all know vaccines ‘work’. It is obvious that they do and that they have helped save a lot of babies, children and adults–and most vaccines today don’t have any of those toxins. What most of us are worried about is that there are SO MANY vaccines given–even for things that are barely more life-threatening than a common cold virus. What we see is the negative impact on the immune system due to overwhelming ‘assault’ from being vaccinated for so many different viruses–the immune system becomes ‘hyper-alert’ to put it simply–which ends in more allergies, autoimmune problems, asthma, etc. later in life. The vaccine industry is a HUGE industry however, and there is no way they are going to address this issue at this point or allow it to be discussed. My children WERE vaccinated, but I chose which vaccines and made their physician space them out a bit more. I chose the vaccines that protected against only truly life-threatening diseases as my children were healthy. MMR is one I declined. My older child and I had all 3 and we were barely sick at all, let alone seriously ill. My younger child only received some and was titer-tested. Turns out he does not respond to vaccines at all–and there is a population of people like him. You could vaccinate him over and over and his immune system will simply not respond. So he was not subsequently vaccinated since they don’t do him any good. The double-whammy of this is the children/adults who have already compromised immune systems actually ‘need’ vaccines the most, but they are also the most likely to have their immune systems further compromised. I’m glad I have never had to be in that position.

  • Irene Minchin

    Aidan Woodward

  • Kathy Shirey Rawson

    a shit ton of money. Lmao

  • Peter Edde
  • Delores Boahn Hairr

    I don’t know about this self confessions, but my Jim took his annual flu show and had to go to the emergency room. The Dr. said he developed an auto immune disease because his body did not make the ant-bodies that was needed. He suffered the rest of his life and he never took another flu shot. I don’t think we are being told the truth about the flu shots.

  • Michelle Butler Hodge

    Please!! Vaccines are the reason alot of diseases arent around much anymore. Sounds to me like they are doing their job!

  • Helen Aanstoos

    What, no mention of them causing fibromyalgia and gluten intolerance? Shortsighted study.

  • Tresa Almy-Albert

    “That number jumps to 98.7% in homeschooled children with internet access in California” The Trifecta!!!

  • Debbi Marizzaldi

    That is great!!

  • Jessica Stratton

    Lisa Hengesbaugh- I laughed.

  • The Happy Hospitalist Blog
  • Fredrick Much

    Lots of people are going to believe this!

  • The Happy Hospitalist Blog
  • Janna Hartman

    Sadly the idiots that “don’t believe in vaccines” won’t even get the sarcasm of the article.

  • Ruchita Gandhi

    its like the onion but for medical news

  • Ruchita Gandhi

    oh noooo! you KNOW some anti-vax idiots are going to take this article for real despite the clearly written “medical satire”

  • Erin Waldee

    This is AMAZING!! “You wanted the truth” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  • Erin Knopf

    I’m so worried people are going to believe this

  • Leah Cummins Guinn

    Edward Jenner and Jonas Salk now regarded as the greatest mass murderers in history. “Hitlers, both of them,” said the head of the WHO, weeping .

  • Conni Errickson Miller

    Be careful that Fox News doesn’t pick this up. ;)

  • Ryan McCorkle

    Davi Arnold McCorkle Keith Cartmill

  • Gomerblog

    That is our dream..well that and also to be on the Daily Show

  • Conni Errickson Miller

    I am sure Jenny is reading this now.

  • Tori Silverblade

    John Silverblade

  • George Murray

    CNN will probably cite gomerblog as a source

  • Amy Catherine

    No, I didnt know what website I was reading. Ive been up all night with an 8 week old. Cut me some slack ladies…geez

  • Jessica Bode

    Seriously? Do you know what website you are reading?

  • Chrissy Shea Adams

    See the comment below….not arguing that it’s proof, but still….

  • Brittany Gouse

    Nick Runeare

  • Blair Enright

    Oh God!!!!! Does this mean Jenny McCarthy is actually smarter than us all? Lol

  • Shauna Bendix

    Yes Amy… It’s all satire :)

  • Deb Turk

    Well it IS a medical satire website…..

  • Amy Catherine

    Maybe I’m just tired. But was this all sarcasm?

  • Gomerblog

    Wait for it…

  • Andre Sookdar

    You know some moron will see this and share it as proof of their conspiracy theory.

  • Shauna Bendix

    Seth Bendix

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