hospital workers

Research Indicates All Bleeding Stops Eventually

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BETHESDA, MD – According to sources at the NIH, yes, it is true: all bleeding stops.  This insight came to much relief of general surgery intern, Mercedes Bagger, who provided first-hand testimonial to this truth last June.  Nine hours and 26 units of blood into her first case of polytrauma, hemostasis was ultimately obtained and tremulous bladders relieved.  “It is an inevitable outcome to hemorrhage,” Bagger maintained, as her patient was wheeled down to the morgue.

hospital workers
I’ll need 4 more elephants to solidify my theory

Fearless, she was able to scrub into her next case of severe diabetic vasculopathy and again achieve hemostasis at the end of a 4-hour below-the-knee amputation.  This patient survived the procedure, only later to have delivered a McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese to his hospital room and die of a massive coronary thrombosis.

Doubtful of this bleeding theorem, investigators using animal models have committed decades in attempt to disprove it.  Dr. Sun Yat-sen from the Phoenix University School of Complementary and Alternative Medicine (PUSCAM) and Fellow of the Osteopathic Bloodletters, has spearheaded such research efforts.

Yat-sen, DO, has this to say about it: “Many animal sacrifices have been made,” he stated, referencing the muskrat population of Topeka, Kansas, as “all the bleeding stop despite our interventions to promote hemorrhages.”  Even in a hemophiliac breed of possoms where research assistants at Alabama State pummeled the subjects using police-grade night sticks, the bleeding stopped at a median of 7 minutes.

Medical students are taught in their first-year classes that such molecular precision of the coagulation cascade goes by the charming title, Final Common Pathway.  Adopting this jargon, similar investigators are exploring such eventualities across other medical disciplines.  FCP: Shake it Off has already determined that all seizing eventually stops, while FCP: Heartstopper investigates the impermanence of ventricular tachycardia, and FCP: Plug it Up plans to recruit subjects with diarrheal illness beginning this fall.

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  • Avatar
    Lauren Kazlo

    Haha, yep. You bleed out! Lol

  • Avatar
    Cynthia Barker

    Law!

  • Avatar
    Andrèa Migneault

    Yes it’s called asystole

  • Avatar
    Carl Cocchiarella

    At some point.

  • Avatar
    Melanie Medina

    Omg! Yes eventually it does

  • Avatar
    Thomas Thurlow

    Even V fib is self limiting if you’re patient enough.

  • Avatar
    Eric Sutphin

    Asystole is also a stable rhythm

  • Avatar
    Cathy Sinclair

    The House of God, still a classic

  • Avatar
    Daniel Xia

    Theoretically, if you have no ability to clot, and bleed at a rate less than the maximum rate by which blood products can be transfused, then you could bleed indefinitely. Someone needs to prove this in practice.

  • Avatar
    Andrea Stevenson Eskridge

    Jon Sorini on the cutting edge of researched based practice

  • Avatar
    David Andrew

    Everybody bleeds, everybody dies.

  • Avatar
    Nat Fusci

    I have told so many people this. !!

  • Avatar
    Nat Fusci

    I have told so many people this. !!

  • Avatar
    Ari Wachsman

    Well, that’s a relief.

  • Avatar
    Kymberlie Manning Tyson

    No crap…when you’re dead. Who paid for this?

  • Avatar
    Carolyn Day

    Surgical truism

  • Avatar
    Carolyn Day

    Surgical truism

  • Avatar
    George Murray

    And when the family asks about his condition during a code? Quite stable.

  • Avatar
    Nancie Baker

    I also like “Whatever you do, always give 100%….unless you’re giving blood.”

  • Avatar
    Tony Severt

    Hypotension works.

  • Avatar
    Paul Gilmartin

    Colin Wetz

  • Avatar
    Anthony Dheere

    Andreas Schepens

  • Avatar
    Tracie Kuhner

    Beth Weekly

  • Avatar
    Chris Schroeder

    And, all fevers eventually go down too!

  • Avatar
    Robin Martinez

    True Alayna Rastogi! Not the end result the bleeder wants!

  • Avatar
    Cecily Annis Riley

    Lol

  • Avatar
    Alayna Rastogi

    Nope. It will eventually stop. Might be dead though.

  • Avatar
    Deanna Marie Pollen

    Mary Jo Sellers this reminds me of something you used to say lol

  • Avatar
    Robin Martinez

    Unless you are a hemophiliac…..

  • Avatar
    Linda Alexander

    I keep telling the residents this, but they don’t seem to believe me. ;)

  • Avatar
    Khalid Manzoor

    My GI consultants knew that all along!

  • Avatar
    Stephanie Anne

    I also have been saying that for years.

  • Avatar
    Joe Wydock

    I am guilty of using that line as both a paramedic and an RN.

  • Avatar
    Mark Hetherington

    Ha! Every code stops eventually!

  • Avatar
    Whitney Lemarr

    Susan Michelle Goree Haynes – and yet this has never lowered my surgical stress level :-)

  • Avatar
    Matt Stone

    That’s rule #6 in EMS.

  • Avatar
    Maria Nikolova-Ovcharov

    :)

  • Avatar
    Courtney Dowell

    FOB was unnecessary, but otherwise I love this page.

  • Avatar
    Christy Claborn

    I’ve been saying this for years!

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