BETHESDA, MD – According to sources at the NIH, yes, it is true: all bleeding stops. This insight came to much relief of general surgery intern, Mercedes Bagger, who provided first-hand testimonial to this truth last June. Nine hours and 26 units of blood into her first case of polytrauma, hemostasis was ultimately obtained and tremulous bladders relieved. “It is an inevitable outcome to hemorrhage,” Bagger maintained, as her patient was wheeled down to the morgue.
Fearless, she was able to scrub into her next case of severe diabetic vasculopathy and again achieve hemostasis at the end of a 4-hour below-the-knee amputation. This patient survived the procedure, only later to have delivered a McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese to his hospital room and die of a massive coronary thrombosis.
Doubtful of this bleeding theorem, investigators using animal models have committed decades in attempt to disprove it. Dr. Sun Yat-sen from the Phoenix University School of Complementary and Alternative Medicine (PUSCAM) and Fellow of the Osteopathic Bloodletters, has spearheaded such research efforts.
Yat-sen, DO, has this to say about it: “Many animal sacrifices have been made,” he stated, referencing the muskrat population of Topeka, Kansas, as “all the bleeding stop despite our interventions to promote hemorrhages.” Even in a hemophiliac breed of possoms where research assistants at Alabama State pummeled the subjects using police-grade night sticks, the bleeding stopped at a median of 7 minutes.
Medical students are taught in their first-year classes that such molecular precision of the coagulation cascade goes by the charming title, Final Common Pathway. Adopting this jargon, similar investigators are exploring such eventualities across other medical disciplines. FCP: Shake it Off has already determined that all seizing eventually stops, while FCP: Heartstopper investigates the impermanence of ventricular tachycardia, and FCP: Plug it Up plans to recruit subjects with diarrheal illness beginning this fall.