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LOS ANGELES, CA – Maroon 5 is hospitalized at UCLA Medical Center after collectively experiencing 5 maroon-colored stools, including lead singer and NBC’s The Voice coach Adam Levine.  Thankfully, all band members are in stable condition.

“I can’t lie, I was sad, in misery,” explained Levine when he noticed passing stool that wasn’t quite melena and wasn’t quite bright-red blood.  “Sunday morning I began to stutter, shiver; it was harder to breathe.  It was a wake up call.”

Behati Prinsloo, Levine’s wife, insisted that the band must get out and seek medical attention immediately after hearing of the 5 maroon stools.

“Adam looked pale and definitely didn’t move like Jagger,” explained a very concerned Prinsloo.  “He said he was never gonna leave this bed.  Then he mentioned the others having similar issues.  I found my maps and nearest payphone, which wasn’t very near.  Makes me wonder if I should get a cell phone.  It’s just a feeling, just a feeling, though.”

“I sure hope Adam and the boys recover,” said friend, country star, and fellow Voice coach Blake Shelton.  “It’s weird they all developed that.  Maybe it’s similar to how women synchronize their periods?  I don’t know.”

None of the band members have required blood transfusion, but Maroon 5’s healthcare team will continue to monitor.  Since it’s no longer daylight, they will stay one more night in preparation for colonoscopies tomorrow.

“It was always you,” said a delirious Levine to the gastroenterologist who will be performing the procedure.  “Get back in my life.  I really wanna love somebody.  I won’t go home without you.”  When asked if he needed a little more pain medication, Levine gave a wry smile: “Give a little more, oh babe.  Give a little more.”

UPDATE 8:27 PM ET (03/11/16):
With stools turning melanotic, Maroon 5 have official changed their name to Melena 5.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.