pot of coffee

Maroon 5 Admitted to Hospital with 5 Maroon Stools

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LOS ANGELES, CA – Maroon 5 is hospitalized at UCLA Medical Center after collectively experiencing 5 maroon-colored stools, including lead singer and NBC’s The Voice coach Adam Levine.  Thankfully, all band members are in stable condition.

“I can’t lie, I was sad, in misery,” explained Levine when he noticed passing stool that wasn’t quite melena and wasn’t quite bright-red blood.  “Sunday morning I began to stutter, shiver; it was harder to breathe.  It was a wake up call.”

Behati Prinsloo, Levine’s wife, insisted that the band must get out and seek medical attention immediately after hearing of the 5 maroon stools.

“Adam looked pale and definitely didn’t move like Jagger,” explained a very concerned Prinsloo.  “He said he was never gonna leave this bed.  Then he mentioned the others having similar issues.  I found my maps and nearest payphone, which wasn’t very near.  Makes me wonder if I should get a cell phone.  It’s just a feeling, just a feeling, though.”

“I sure hope Adam and the boys recover,” said friend, country star, and fellow Voice coach Blake Shelton.  “It’s weird they all developed that.  Maybe it’s similar to how women synchronize their periods?  I don’t know.”

None of the band members have required blood transfusion, but Maroon 5’s healthcare team will continue to monitor.  Since it’s no longer daylight, they will stay one more night in preparation for colonoscopies tomorrow.

“It was always you,” said a delirious Levine to the gastroenterologist who will be performing the procedure.  “Get back in my life.  I really wanna love somebody.  I won’t go home without you.”  When asked if he needed a little more pain medication, Levine gave a wry smile: “Give a little more, oh babe.  Give a little more.”

UPDATE 8:27 PM ET (03/11/16):
With stools turning melanotic, Maroon 5 have official changed their name to Melena 5.

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  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Melanie Medina

    Omg! Lol!

  • Avatar
    Vincent Borzumato
  • Avatar
    Martha Heckman

    GOD BLESS

  • Avatar
    Samantha McNeill

    That’s not funny, but hahaha good caption!

  • Avatar
    Kathleen Bylsma

    Well that pretty much ruined any chance I’ll ever eat any of those again! I’m a very good candidate for aversion therapy!

  • Avatar
    Luciano Lemos

    Hope the cedars Sinai docs know the cheap tricc trial

  • Avatar
    Teri Whallon Smith

    Hilarious!

  • Avatar
    Barbara Cadwell

    Renee Kamke Dawson

  • Avatar
    Wendy Roberts

    Rocky Lange

  • Avatar
    Laura Olson

    Makes me wonder if they were in misery. Fortunately, nothing lasts forever.

  • Avatar
    Sarah Rushton

    Or they ate a lot of beets?

  • Avatar
    Casey Smith Swartz

    Teri Whallon Smith Krystle Marie

  • Avatar
    Aftab Arif

    “Adam looked pale and definitely didn’t move like Jagger,” explained a very concerned Prinsloo.

  • Avatar
    Yvonne Mallory

    There’s a girl-band named Chastity belt… I wonder what Gomerblog would do with this???

  • Avatar
    Shannon Hopkins

    “Decide to Change Their Band Name to Hematochezia 5, Though Realize Melena 5 Would Have Been More Catchy and Lament the Absence of Black, Tarry Stool”

  • Avatar
    Rocco Arcieri

    Just in:
    namesake abnormal stools for members of Nine Inch Nails bump maroon five for OR time

  • Avatar
    Joanie Sapienza

    Bahhahahahahhahaahhahaahahhahahahahahhahshahahahahahahahshshjshaja’

  • Avatar
    Amanda Wilson

    Lindsey Moncrief

  • Avatar
    Andre Sookdar

    Pathologists are always hungry so they name stuff after foods. Caseating = cheese, fried egg appearance of cells etc.

  • Avatar
    Sheryl Auel Howard

    Greg Gutfeld This is for you!

  • Avatar
    Eileen Left

    Oh sorry about that! I have never seen a kid with intussception have these famously described stools

  • Avatar
    Eileen Left

    However we are not to be outdone But fecal obsessed parents – I have had kid poops described as being like –
    Peanut butter,
    DQ soft serve ice cream,
    Cottage cheese,aaaand
    baby Ruth bars!

  • Avatar
    Agnes Bojaxhiu

    OMG I have some in my fridge right now I was thinking of spreading on toast..

  • Avatar
    Eileen Left

    Were they currant jelly stools? Peds has a way of really ruining some foods for people for the rest of their lives

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