driving to ED
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PHILADELPHIA, PA – Filling a niche in a market that has been underserved for years, on-demand transportation company, Uber, has rolled out a novel transit service for drug seekers designed to get them from ED to ED more efficiently.  Results for the service, offered 24/7 for local inter-ED transport only, have outpaced even the wildest predictions from experts in the industry.

driving to EDUber founder and CEO, Travis Kalanik, shared with us the following official statement: “As a service to the unfortunate cohort of customer afflicted with intractable pain management needs, we have been excited to offer our exclusive transportation options to this underserved market.  We are thrilled to provide a means for our customers to search for, and receive, as many potential life-saving unique medical opinions and treatment modalities as necessary per day to manage our customers’ various chronic pain afflictions.”

Drug seekers everywhere in Philadelphia have been utilizing this service, sometimes at 4 to 5 to a vehicle.  Previously, seekers had been reliant on calling 911 for ambulances from the hospital waiting room, having enablers among their friends, and occasionally engaging in the act of walking on foot to the next ED, sometimes for several miles, only to suddenly be unable to walk the moment they hit the door.  In fact, drug seekers have expressed a level of enthusiasm over the service not seen since Oxycontin was discovered to be snortable.

“This service is amazing,” exclaimed one enthusiastic user of the service between puffs of her cigarette.  “Previously I was lucky if I could get to 3 to 4 EDs in the same day.  Thanks to this new service, I was able to get to 10 EDs yesterday!  I got 8 scripts for Percocet, 7 IM Dilaudid injections, and more turkey sandwiches than I could count!”

Local hospitals had been concerned that the increased ED utilization among the drug seeking crowd would lead to more unhappy and complaining customers, but this new policy seems to have bucked that trend.  In fact, drug seekers, so happy with the service, have overlooked their disappointment with occasional denial of their meds and seem to appreciate the opportunity to get to the next ED more quickly in order to try their luck again.

Uber has even partnered with local hospitals to install airplane-style tray tables in the back of their vehicles to offer convenient opportunities to fill out Press Ganey surveys.  During the initial promotional period, Uber has been subsidizing a sizable portion the cost of transportation in order to gain market share, further enthusing the notoriously penurious drug-seeking crowd.

This service is not without controversy, however.  Local cab drivers are outraged about the loss of business and have threatened to sue Uber for ruining their 2 AM cash cow.  We contacted the spokesman for Yellow Cab for his comment but, while he said he’d call this author at 3 PM, it is now 5 PM and I haven’t heard from him yet and, frankly, I’m not holding my breath.

If you enjoyed this article, please check out the author’s website First World Emergency Medicine for other great articles.

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  • Michelle Ngoc Tran

    Gomerblog, you guys kill me!!! Still laughing!

  • Sarah Kohrmann

    Brilliant!

  • Hollis Boyd

    Awesome, now I’m just going to uber the patients I don’t want to CHOP!

  • Desiree Dwyer Spellings

    Hahahaha!!

  • Lucy Donlon

    One for you Matt McAlpine!

  • Kathy Kolarik

    Hey, that’s our frequent flyer!

  • Melanie Medina

    Lol

  • Kate Kedziora

    Hollis Boyd :)

  • Ashley Closson

    Brian Nealon

  • Brian Maher
  • Brian Kucera

    Jason Roble

  • Cindy Zegers

    OMG…just OMG!

  • Kelley Purcell

    The fuck??

  • Scott Smith

    Finally!

  • Claudia Cristancho

    Wow…completely fricken ridiculous!

  • Sophie Varnier

    Lana Tiss did you come up with this??

  • Monica Tran

    It’s the Handle Bar Indy in Indianapolis. Hahaha. Google image stolen. Muahaha! #Yoink!

  • Nia Rios

    Omg, too funny!

  • Juliana Morawski

    Is that the Pedal Tavern in Milwaukee?

  • Amber Massey

    Julie Keeton, Ginger Lane Little I think we know folks we can refer ro these services. Lol. If only. .

  • MJ Jones

    This is for those who have worn out their welcome with local volunteer EMS using them as horizontal taxi service.

  • Paula Morgan McCorkle

    Are they responsible if someone OD’s in their car?

  • Nancy Cox

    You forgot to add the ‘one free stop of your choice’ for those who want to pick up smokes at a convenience store en route between ED’s.

  • Haley Johnson

    Becky Schroeder

  • Brad Eisenberg

    Heidi, I’ve done that myself. For the pseudoseizure patients, I make sure to write on the Ativan Rx “Pharmacist: Do Not fill unless Keppra also filled”

  • Deb Harkins

    Awesome!

  • Helen Aanstoos

    But will they take a taxi voucher!

  • Sarah Scholl

    We do that in our ED Heidi

  • Crystal Carter

    OMG….HILARIOUS

  • Crystal Carter
  • David D Lara

    Still won’t pay

  • Carrie Hays Jorgenson

    Alice Camp

  • Brandon Schwartz

    Davek Sharma obamaubercare

  • Christie Lea Kasko

    Veronica Suri

  • Monica Tran

    ER hoppin’ in the house! #Pharmacotourism

  • Melanie Nordlinger

    Should be international terminal at airport—-> ED

  • Amy Goulet

    Haha!!

  • Terry N Teresa Rolan

    And the drivers are equipped with scissors to cut off the wrist bands.

  • Debbie Reindel

    Emergency department

  • Jesse Herrera

    Daphne Blake Russell SteitleCourtney Wallace Celina Plant Sandra Lopez Ann Ford Liza Ann Seth Bruton Nicole Marcrum Patek Denise Brown Amy Anderson

  • Joann Reichwein Letzo

    Wow!!

  • Florence Brun Tirakayos

    Wtf is ED?

  • Melissa Morningstar Jordan

    Hahahhaha! I’m allergic to NSAIDs and Ultram LOL

  • Becky Newton

    Eva Avino Willauer you will appreciate this!

  • Gretchen Parker

    Haha

  • Casey Roberson Shaver

    Katrina Denton hahaha!!

  • Debi Darling

    This is sooooo wrong yet my sides still hurt from laughing!

  • Debbie Hilbert

    Do they also help remove the EKG sensors between stops?

  • Landall Hathorn

    Yes, and the countless antibiotic prescriptions for 12/10 dental pain.

  • Fred Manno

    Outstanding!!!

  • Alicia Rincon

    Courtney Sackash

  • Amanda Moore DeJohn

    Paul DeJohn

  • Don Noel Jr.

    Ride also comes with an upgraded turkey sandwich to give the service an advantage over Lyft.

  • Kathleen McGinnis

    Finally!

  • Kathy Freeman Young

    Great

  • Brad Eisenberg

    Do they also help to dispose of the Naproxen and Tramadol scripts accumulated throughout the rest of the day?

  • Tamara Vincent Creel
  • Angie Flesher

    Bahahaha…

  • Tara Lagnese

    Kelley Purcell

  • Shannon Kay

    Kathy Freeman Young

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