ldl cholesterol

Declining Lipitor Sales Prompt Revision of Cholesterol Guidelines Yet Again

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CHICAGO, IL – In response to an unexpected 3 percent reduction in both Lipitor and Crestor sales, the American Cardiac Association (ACA) and American College of Cardiologic Heart Physicians (ACCHP) have established the 4th Qualitative Evaluation Task Force to modify the Guidelines for Prescription of Statins.

The QE4 Task Force consists of 15 academic thought leaders.  Their expertise is substantiated by the large number of statin-focused lectures given by Task Force members at dinner meetings.

Maximum acceptable LDL cholesterol has come down from 240 to 210 to 160 in previous consecutive QE guidelines.  The QE4 Task Force concluded that there was no good evidence to support any of these cutoff values they had previously dictated.  So the new QE4 Guidelines consider any detectable LDL to be unacceptable.

One of the QE Task Force members who asked to remain nameless said, “Our new guidelines recommend that prescription of Lipitor and Crestor be determined based on the overall need to support the bottom lines of the pharmaceutical companies that pay our speaker fees.  All the data that we chose to pay attention to support the argument that everybody should be prescribed statins, specifically statins that are still on-patent.”

We caught up with one member of the QE4 Task Force before a dinner talk he gave to 2 retired physicians and 12 clerical staff hastily-rounded up to try to fill the seating at a posh restaurant in Miami.  Dr. Pavel Nimajahubi is an Associate Professor of Medicine and a Paid Expert from Out of Town.  He recited large amounts of evidence-based groupthink about statins and cholesterol that effectively convinced himself of everything he was repeatedly saying.

The $2500 honorarium for Dr. Nimajahubi’s talk is considered standard of care in the field and is presumed to not influence Task Force recommendations.  The chairman of the QE4 Task Force confirmed, “Oh, those speakers fees are nothing compared to the millions of research dollars provided to our laboratories by the manufacturers of these drugs.  We are very concerned about conflict of interest, and therefore have banned from our meetings any branded sticky notes or pharmaceutical logos on pens.”

Dr. Jonathan Dutard, head of the Center for Obamacare, Medicare, Medicaid and National Diseases (COMMAND) was quoted as saying, “Sure it will cost us a lot more money to pay for all these statins.  But the pharmaceutical companies need that money.  And the money spent will count as GDP growth, proving that the economy is getting better.”

AstraZeneca, the manufacturer of Crestor—the patent for which was scheduled to expire in 2016—released a statement applauding the extension of statin patent protection by an additional 9 years.  “We are of course hoping that Congress will do more.  Government-mandated statin consumption by every American is really the only socially just course of action in the 21st century.”

The new guidelines support the prescription of statins for 90% of the 320 million Americans considered at risk for heart disease and other causes of death.  However, concerned physicians note that the prescription and ingestion of statins so far remains voluntary.

In related news, the QE4 Task Force is expected to recommend that the president use the military to close the leaky Canadian-USA pharmaceutical border.  According to the Task Force proceedings, “We cannot afford any further erosion of high margin sales of Lipitor and Crestor.  We have to stop the competition from these affordable black market generic statins arriving from India through Canada.  Failure to do so could be catastrophic.”

John Hunt, MD is a pediatric pulmonologist, allergist, and immunologist, and author of a satirical medical novel, “Assume the Physician,” that must be read by every person on the planet (before dinner tonight preferably).  Profits from sales of the book support his non-profit Trusted Angels Foundation which supports orphanages, schools and entrepreneurs in Liberia, West Africa.

  • John Hunt MD

    John Hunt, MD is a pediatric pulmonologist/allergist/immunologist and author of the hilarious satirical medical novel, “Assume the Physician” that must be read by every person on the planet. Today preferably. Profits from sales of the book support his non-profit Trusted Angels Foundation (http://www.trustedangels.org/) which assists orphanages, schools and entrepreneurs in Liberia, West Africa.

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Bill Moore

    Nothing satire about that! Will probably really happen…again.

  • Avatar
    Vanessa McKinney Turner

    Everything is a conspiracy?

  • Avatar
    John Yaeger

    So that’s how that works!

  • Avatar
    Jean-Simon Lalancette

    Julien Turgeon Trdif Mrc

  • Avatar
    Marcia Baden

    OMG! Isn’t that the truth!

  • Avatar
    Debbie Kendall

    Every thing is money grab these days! Let’s go back to really caring about the PEOPLE!

  • Avatar
    Tammy Cameron Maher

    Poison absolute poison

  • Avatar
    Haris Turalic

    You are clueless

  • Avatar
    Jen Floyd

    Nicole Kappler Christine Ogata more cases HAHAHA

  • Avatar
    Ken Crist


  • Avatar
    Marilyn Carty-Kreienkamp

    My cholesterol has not changed since I was 41 and had it checked (I am now 71). Dr. said we wouldn’t worry about it until it got past 200….10 years ago he said now I had to take Liptor because they lowered the number….I said NO WAY…..We fight every year even thought it has been 160 for 30 years LOL. Lipton has hurt 100’s of people who didn’t even need to be taking it

  • Avatar
    Rachel Carty Moehlmann

    Marilyn Carty-Kreienkamp Larry O. Miller although this is satire, it is remarkably close to the truth!

  • Avatar
    Ann Barnes

    Had to stop & make sure what site this was from. If Big Pharms could they would. Already get by with enough.

  • Avatar
    Cory Thompson

    Haha! Cade Archibald

  • Avatar
    Dorris Helton

    Lipitor causes more problems than it helps!

  • Avatar
    Justin Hamlin

    Time for “sustained release” Lipitor!

  • Avatar
    Roman Reznik

    This one is kind of less funny

  • Avatar
    Mona Flynn Turrell

    :D I know this is satire, but…

  • Avatar
    Adrienne Elizabeth Swan

    Melanie Swan

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