laboratory testing

Average American Healthcare Consumer Believes Death is Curable‏

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ATLANTA, GA – According to a new study published in the Annals of External Medicine (AEM), it is reported that the average American health care consumer (AAHC) believes both death and disability are curable and that doctors, nurses, and other health care practitioners are “underperforming” and “really slacking off.”

laboratory testing“Penicillin and antiretrovirals have existed since the Ice Age,” said very-average American healthcare consumer Bianca Stonehead.  “That was at least a few decades ago.  You mean to tell me there’s no cure for death yet?  Get serious.”

“Amazon Prime delivers anything I order to my house within two days, so why shouldn’t I expect health care to provide me with immortality?” asked below-average American healthcare practitioner Bob Stubbornface, hospitalized for 85 out of 10 abdominal pain.  “Can you please send someone in to fluff my pillows?  Thanks.”

The AEM study looked at over 8 billion patient satisfaction surveys filled out over the past 3 months.  The AAHC believed that heart disease, cancer, and decapitation were cured “centuries ago” and that remedies for death should be “more than plentiful.”  The AAHC also felt “most if not all” American hospitals fell below what is expected of Five Diamond hotels & resorts.

“I once booked a round-trip flight to California for less than $400, so with all the millions of dollars in healthcare, anything less than a cure for death is failure,” said really-below-average American healthcare consumer Timothy Pipedream, who expects to a live another infinite number years with the help of some Dilaudid and Benadryl.  “On TV, it looks pretty easy to resuscitate someone.”

For years, health care practitioners thought patients and families were having increasingly unrealistic expectations about (1) what a hospital or clinic can provide, (2) what modern medicine can do, and (3) the finite nature of human life.

Turns out they were wrong; the customer is always right.

“This study was really eye-opening,” said primary care physician Tanya Humbleson, whose hard work and compassion is not reflected in any metric or patient satisfaction survey.  “The next time an alcohol-drinking, tobacco-smoking, lard-consuming, and medication-noncompliant patient comes in with newly-diagnosed cardiovascular disease, diabetes, hypertension, morbid obesity, cirrhosis, and lung cancer I’ll be sure to say, ‘I’m sorry, I failed you a medical provider,’ and do what I can to make them live another thousand years.  Death can be beaten, we just have to try a little harder.”

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  • Avatar
    Sharmila Amolik Kharat

    This is absolutely hilarious! Literally laughed out loud!

  • Avatar
    Kathleen Teschner Heilich

    HAHAHAHAHA

  • Avatar
    Linda Ranne Barberi

    Yes, of course, there is a cure. I could tell you, but then, of course, I’d have to kill you. Be right back with your discharge papers. Do you need help calling your ride?

  • Avatar
    Carole Treece Scaggs

    And the doctors encourage them to believe it!

  • Avatar
    Jane Neary

    “If they can put a man on the moon . . . “

  • Avatar
    Jane Neary

    “If they can put a man on the moon . . . “

  • Avatar
    Wendy O’Brien Swartz

    Speechless-except to say I’m speechless.

  • Avatar
    Wendy O’Brien Swartz

    Speechless-except to say I’m speechless.

  • Avatar
    Joseph Geffen

    big Parma paying us not to

  • Avatar
    Karen Hoeck Krenzke

    A cure for death despite drinking, smoking, lack of activity, obesity..of course. I’ll get right on that!

  • Avatar
    Dora Elizondo Guerra

    Ha!

  • Avatar
    Kristen Myers

    Some things just aren’t meant to be

  • Avatar
    Kristen Myers

    Some things just aren’t meant to be

  • Avatar
    Kristen Myers

    Some things just aren’t meant to be

  • Avatar
    Kristen Myers

    Some things just aren’t meant to be

  • Avatar
    Jerry P Abraham

    the cure is just around the corner.

  • Avatar
    Jerry P Abraham

    the cure is just around the corner.

  • Avatar
    Jerry P Abraham

    the cure is just around the corner.

  • Avatar
    Jerry P Abraham

    the cure is just around the corner.

  • Avatar
    Kim Hayward-Bunce

    The last thing the world needs is Americans who live forever. :-/

  • Avatar
    Maija Mauch

    Yeah Big Pharma and docs who are just in it for the $$$ keep hiding the “Secret”

  • Avatar
    Maija Mauch

    Yeah Big Pharma and docs who are just in it for the $$$ keep hiding the “Secret”

  • Avatar
    Becky Brown

    There is actually a Quora question about this. Honest.

  • Avatar
    Becky Brown

    There is actually a Quora question about this. Honest.

  • Avatar
    Jane Albertson

    a “cure’ for death?? WhaaaaaaT? How totally un-natural. I don’t want to co-exist with some of these assholes forever…. take me on to the next level, please…

  • Avatar
    Jane Albertson

    a “cure’ for death?? WhaaaaaaT? How totally un-natural. I don’t want to co-exist with some of these assholes forever…. take me on to the next level, please…

  • Avatar
    Peggy Buck

    OMG this is so true!

  • Avatar
    Adrian Miclea

    Double McMurikah

  • Avatar
    Anita Frankilden

    We are all just waiting in limbo despite our “pre-death” diagnosis,

  • Avatar
    Anita Frankilden

    We are all just waiting in limbo despite our “pre-death” diagnosis,

  • Avatar
    Angela Raczynski

    This is for real LOL

  • Avatar
    Dave Comstock

    actually, most Americans think there’s *already* a cure for death, but “Big Pharma” is afraid that they’ll lose money if anyone finds out ….

  • Avatar
    Jill McCreary

    Isn’t there a pill for that?

  • Avatar
    Rocco Arcieri

    Need the world population of stakeholders to thwart this type of throughput
    Immortality thru committees, taskforces and guidelines
    Sounds like a job for sick sigma administrators

  • Avatar
    Khalid Manzoor

    This is not satire.

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