ATLANTA, GA – According to a new study published in the Annals of External Medicine (AEM), it is reported that the average American health care consumer (AAHC) believes both death and disability are curable and that doctors, nurses, and other health care practitioners are “underperforming” and “really slacking off.”
“Penicillin and antiretrovirals have existed since the Ice Age,” said very-average American healthcare consumer Bianca Stonehead. “That was at least a few decades ago. You mean to tell me there’s no cure for death yet? Get serious.”
“Amazon Prime delivers anything I order to my house within two days, so why shouldn’t I expect health care to provide me with immortality?” asked below-average American healthcare practitioner Bob Stubbornface, hospitalized for 85 out of 10 abdominal pain. “Can you please send someone in to fluff my pillows? Thanks.”
The AEM study looked at over 8 billion patient satisfaction surveys filled out over the past 3 months. The AAHC believed that heart disease, cancer, and decapitation were cured “centuries ago” and that remedies for death should be “more than plentiful.” The AAHC also felt “most if not all” American hospitals fell below what is expected of Five Diamond hotels & resorts.
“I once booked a round-trip flight to California for less than $400, so with all the millions of dollars in healthcare, anything less than a cure for death is failure,” said really-below-average American healthcare consumer Timothy Pipedream, who expects to a live another infinite number years with the help of some Dilaudid and Benadryl. “On TV, it looks pretty easy to resuscitate someone.”
For years, health care practitioners thought patients and families were having increasingly unrealistic expectations about (1) what a hospital or clinic can provide, (2) what modern medicine can do, and (3) the finite nature of human life.
Turns out they were wrong; the customer is always right.
“This study was really eye-opening,” said primary care physician Tanya Humbleson, whose hard work and compassion is not reflected in any metric or patient satisfaction survey. “The next time an alcohol-drinking, tobacco-smoking, lard-consuming, and medication-noncompliant patient comes in with newly-diagnosed cardiovascular disease, diabetes, hypertension, morbid obesity, cirrhosis, and lung cancer I’ll be sure to say, ‘I’m sorry, I failed you a medical provider,’ and do what I can to make them live another thousand years. Death can be beaten, we just have to try a little harder.”