DENVER, CO – Doctors, skeptics, and the scientific community as a whole, were stunned today when the North American branch of the Society for Complimentary and Alternative Medicines (SCAM) published a robust double blind randomized control trial showing that a new homeopathic burn remedy is effective in the acute management of first-degree burns, scalds and ouchies.
Dr. Carolyn Eschar, head of plastic surgery at St John the Apostle’s burn centre in Arizona said she was shocked when she first read the paper. “I’m always very wary of SCAM trials; their scientific basis, methodology are usually hopelessly flawed. However after reading this paper over and over, and over again, I’m forced to admit it, this works.”
The remedy in question, Acionna, is a 30C dilution of boiling water. The trial compared it to the standard allopathic treatment for acute minor burns: immersion in cold tap water. In all cases immersion in a preparation of Acionna was just as effective as control.
Skeptics were forced to admit that true double blinding was achieved as neither homeopaths, their clients, nor highly-sensitive mass spectroscopy was able to distinguish Acionna from the tap water control.
Dermot Oscar Conrad, President of SCAM, who insists everyone call him DOC: “It feels fantastic to be vindicated in our long held, unshakable faith in homeopathy.”
“Water has a memory, and this water remembers being hot. Boiling hot. Hence a preparation of Acionna can be used to cure anything caused by heat: like cures like! To treat a minor burn simply dissolve one Acionna pill in a bowl of tap water and immerse the injured part for 10-15 minutes.” explained DOC.
“Through the magic of homeoquantumness the more you dilute Acionna the stronger it gets: if you don’t receive adequate relief from one treatment simply add more cold water and repeat.”
GomerBlog asked local patrons of Dana’s Holistic Medicine, Crystal and Fairy Sanctuary for their opinions. “To think all this time I’ve been using cold tap water to treat minor burns,” said mother and SCAM enthusiast Cathy Wilson. “Sure Acionna is more expensive, but it’s holistic!”
SCAM investors have high hopes for future trials of a 200C dilution of sun warmed water to treat thirst and minor dehydration.