drinking coffee

Local Hospital Adds Overpriced Coffee to Patient Bowel Regimen Protocol with Fantastic Results

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SEATTLE, WA – Seattle Memorial Hospital has dramatically reduced their rates of post-operative ileus and opioid-induced constipation by requiring that all patient bowel regimens include a daily tall Sixbucks coffee, dosed either PO or via an NG tube.  Sixbucks, the Seattle-based coffee behemoth named after the average price of its specialty beverages, is delighted to be part of the new therapy, while hospital administrators are stunned that the most powerful cathartic known to man was hidden in plain sight, on every block in every city in the United States of America.

I'm about to go and destroy the bathroom
I’m about to go and destroy the bathroom

Dr. Richard Stueller, the Chairman of Gastroenterology at Seattle Memorial and mastermind of the program, was elated by the early results.  Dr. Stueller explains, “The café-colic reflex is one of the most elegant systems of human physiology and has been described in the medical literature since the days of Hippocrates.  The pro-motile force seen with coffee, is particularly powerful and only increases with the price of the cup.  This is evident by the fact bathrooms in Sixbucks are almost perpetually either in use or out of order.  I was actually waiting in line for the bathroom when the idea hit me!”

Sixbucks is also stands to profit immensely from their new wonder-laxative.  They have pushed their coffee back through the FDA and will be rebranding it Excreta.  Though already preposterously expensive at 2 dollars per cup, the new price of Excreta will be roughly $1,000 per tall serving and will not be covered by most insurance plans.

This exciting new initiative is the biggest change in bowel practice in the past 30 years.  Up until now, the mainstays of defecation encouragement have been senna and Colace, which have proven to be prescribed mainly so that nurses can page the on-call resident at 3 a.m. with questions about their ordering or administration.  With the introduction of Excreta one Seattle hospital can proudly say that they have moved on from the scourge of constipation.

In unrelated news, cases of patient profuse sweating and atrial fibrillation at Seattle Memorial are up 300%.

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  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Zach Kaple

    Nothing is stronger than Dulcolax

  • Avatar
    Zach Kaple

    Nothing is stronger than Dulcolax

  • Avatar
    Angela Matisko

    Wash the entereg down with coffee while pushing the reglan.

  • Avatar
    Angela Matisko

    Ensure clear coffee supplement for our enhanced bowel protocol!

  • Avatar
    Kirstan Parnis

    Tyler Munk

  • Avatar
    Marcy Palino

    I didn’t drink coffee until recently. I had no idea that everyone who said they needed to go to the bathroom because their coffee had kicked in needed to poop. I thought liquid=pee.

  • Avatar
    Colleen Edgington
  • Avatar
    Colleen Edgington
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    Andy Hamill

    So what would you call the Starbucks bucket enema size? Shiti?

  • Avatar
    Susan Petry

    I have been known to put warm coffee down a feeding tube :)

  • Avatar
    Lisa Schilling

    Or Moccona if they’re in private ;)

  • Avatar
    Lisa Schilling

    Or Moccona if they’re in private ;)

  • Avatar
    Michael Schilling

    I could imagine doing an international roast round!

  • Avatar
    Lisa Schilling

    Michael Schilling

  • Avatar
    Leah Balentine

    Jerry Jared!

  • Avatar
    Michael Cheung

    I’m surprised there isn’t an Excreta PR dosing

  • Avatar
    Eric Hope

    Sweet! Day shift can get poop protocols started early. Hooray!
    ~ Eric “everybody shi** by end of shift, no excuses.”

  • Avatar
    Matt Hopkins

    Agree with Carole. I think it’s legit. We Rx them amphetamines so why not coffee!

  • Avatar
    Matt Hopkins

    Agree with Carole. I think it’s legit. We Rx them amphetamines so why not coffee!

  • Avatar
    Tanya Saunders

    works for me!

  • Avatar
    Maija Mauch

    Works for me!

  • Avatar
    Carole Treece Scaggs

    I see kids drinking coffee in coffeehouses all the time. Why not?

  • Avatar
    Lillah Grinnell

    Haha! Should we change our bowel protocol?

  • Avatar
    Amy Joyce Misch

    True

  • Avatar
    Celina Mac

    Karen Walsh , Amy Joyce Misch

  • Avatar
    Lillah Grinnell

    Ashley Martella Eric Hope

  • Avatar
    Crystal Eve

    Lmao this was a good one!

  • Avatar
    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    Another factual article on what is supposed to be a satire site!

  • Avatar
    Craig Zientara

    Just the fact that it is $6 a cup would make me go!

  • Avatar
    Wanda Gonzalez

    Coffee withdrawals may cause anxiety, anger and lack of sense of humor…..just saying. ;-)

  • Avatar
    Wanda Gonzalez

    Coffee withdrawals may cause anxiety, anger and lack of sense of humor…..just saying. ;-)

  • Avatar
    Debbie Reindel
  • Avatar
    Debbie Reindel
  • Avatar
    Sherri Kittle Rose

    Lol! Coffee works. If I even take Excedrin Migraine, (that has caffeine in it), I can’t stop going……lol

  • Avatar
    Sherri Kittle Rose

    Lol! Coffee works. If I even take Excedrin Migraine, (that has caffeine in it), I can’t stop going……lol

  • Avatar
    Rachel Carty Moehlmann

    This. Is. Awesome! Meaghan Fleschner Barry

  • Avatar
    Rachel Carty Moehlmann

    This. Is. Awesome! Meaghan Fleschner Barry

  • Avatar
    Molly Tonder

    Jennifer Reinhardt

  • Avatar
    Molly Tonder

    Jennifer Reinhardt

  • Avatar
    Edward Van Dam

    *sips morning coffee*

  • Avatar
    Edward Van Dam

    *sips morning coffee*

  • Avatar
    Melissa Lowing

    Lara Brower

  • Avatar
    Melissa Lowing

    Lara Brower

  • Avatar
    Maggie Daley

    Laura Nepple, dunkins iced coffee?? Lol

  • Avatar
    Maggie Daley

    Laura Nepple, dunkins iced coffee?? Lol

  • Avatar
    Stephanie Heringer

    Sometimes the first time people see something from this blog or The Onion or The Spud . . they think it is real. I love satire – it really helps make the point!

  • Avatar
    Stephanie Heringer

    Sometimes the first time people see something from this blog or The Onion or The Spud . . they think it is real. I love satire – it really helps make the point!

  • Avatar
    Jennifer Spickler McGuire

    Rachel Carty Moehlmann

  • Avatar
    Jennifer Spickler McGuire

    Rachel Carty Moehlmann

  • Avatar
    Kathie Sale Macchioni

    this is satire.

  • Avatar
    Kathie Sale Macchioni

    this is satire.

  • Avatar
    Stephanie Hancock Rezac

    I didn’t interpret any nurse slam in this satirical story.
    Respectfully,
    RN Colleague

  • Avatar
    Stephanie Hancock Rezac

    I didn’t interpret any nurse slam in this satirical story.
    Respectfully,
    RN Colleague

  • Avatar
    Rad Jer

    I didn’t see an insult to Nurses, or Murses either for that matter. Did you read the article….the satire article….LOL?!?

  • Avatar
    Amy Howe

    You joke but i desperately wish i could prescribe coffee to my constipated pediatic patients!

  • Avatar
    Gail Mercer

    Really, you felt the need to insult nurses??? Not humorous.

  • Avatar
    Stefano Gonçalves Jorge

    Did they hire a colonic barista ?

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