excited woman

Physician Signs Out Patient Census and Pager, Has Slight Orgasm

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ORLANDO, FL – After having one of the toughest weeks in her professional career as a hospitalist during which she had a census of no fewer than 20 patients each day due to the increasing winter numbers, hospitalist Jasmine Peters was not only tremendously eager and excited during her sign-out of the patient list and pager to her oncoming colleague Steven Jones, but was also at the end of it a little flush… and maybe even climaxed a little.

excited woman“Are you ready to do this?” Peters asked her colleague and close friend Jones over the phone, as she pulled up the bad, bad census.

“I think so, I think so,” replied Jones, intimidated by the size of Peters’… list.  It was so huge, about 20 patients long.  This was the first time Jones has had receptive oral sign-out from Peters.  He was very, very nervous.  And was without protection.

“I’ll start gentle,” began Peters in a warm, comforting tone.  “Maybe start off with a little chest pain rule out.  Would you like that?”

“Yeah, I’d like that,” replied Jones.

After the first few patients, Peters picked up the intensity.  She was used to giving sign-out rough, hard, and fast.  And that’s what she did again.  She took charge.  She passionately ripped through the first ten patients in five minutes.  It was like she didn’t have sign-out in years.

“Oh yeah… I like that,” Peters teased with an innocent laugh, as she signed out the sixteenth patient, an 82-year old with acute blood loss anemia due to a diverticular bleed, fantasizing about how she wouldn’t be rounding on the GI bleeder the next morning.  Nothing turned Peters on more than not being at work.  “Don’t forget to check that hemoglobin.  He’s consented, don’t worry.”

Peters could feel her heart racing as she told Jones about the seventeenth patient.  “This guy came in with an abscess, drained in the ED…”  She paused, completely lost in the heat of the moment.  She caught her breath.  “Wow, is it getting hot in here?!  And don’t forget about the dressing changes: wet-to-dry… so wet-to-dry.”

As Peters got closer and closer to the end of sign-out, she began moaning and moaning, going faster and faster, clutching at her printed census, “Don’t stop, don’t stop… don’t stop the Haldol, he’ll become agitated… don’t stop, don’t stop.”

She reached the final patient.  The twentieth and final patient.

“This sweet little ole man, he presented with DKA,” explained Peters with a flutter in her voice.  She had palpitations.  She was perspiring.  Her white coat was completely undone.  “His sugars are almost at goal and he can go home tomorrow and… and… OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!  OHHHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!   YYYYYESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!”

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Lauren Smith

    Andrew Edwards

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    Piotr Kuklinski

    Is this that bad, by the time I am ready for the sign out???

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    Judy Shafer

    Haha, definitely

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    Jade Garris

    Piotr Kuklinski, is this how sign outs go? ? Haha

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    Cindy Swayze-Smith

    Way to turn the screws… I’m on this weekend and far, far from any inkling of an orgasm.

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    Asna Amin

    Lol! Wet to dry, wet to dry!

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    Peter Kreishman

    Hahaha. Amy, Asna, Tamara, Allison

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    Rob Liao

    Cindy Swayze-Smith

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    Maria Nikolova-Ovcharov


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    Helen Aanstoos

    Multiple signouts really rock

  • Avatar
    Jake Deakins

    Here’s a good laugh for you Kate Caveny!

  • Avatar
    Lael Prince

    Nicholas. Hilarious

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    Paulgun Sulur


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    Sunny Rha

    Thanks I needed that laugh!!

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    Cathy Byrd Matthews

    Christy…OMG! That’s hilarious!

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    Viet Barnes Do

    Slight? Clearly the signout was premature.

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    Kim Cooper

    Nancy El Sonbaty Marshall?

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    Farah Nasraty

    Ryan Nessy signing out is the best

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    Ric Bauer

    Don’t believe everything that Ivana tells you Eileen Left.

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    Chris Schroeder

    50 shades of sign-out, much?

  • Avatar
    Eileen Left

    Ric Bauer it is in a word- magnificent.

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    Ric Bauer

    Wow, an Onion for healthcare professionals? Who knew?

  • Avatar
    Eileen Left

    So wet to dry…
    We only give typed electronic sign outs nowadays- so impersonal compared to oral.

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