dr evil

Pharmaceutical Company Buys Out Another 20 Generic Drugs, Decides to Raise Drug Prices to… 1 Million Dollars

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DAYTON, OH – CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals Martin Shkreli made another bold announcement today that his pharmaceutical company has now bought rights for 20 more generic medications used by over 150 million Americans afflicted with hypertension, diabetes, rare cancers, and uncommon devastating neurological diseases.

dr evil“After seeing the instant financial success of our move with acquiring Daraprim and raising the price from $13.50 to $750 overnight, we knew we had a system in place that worked,” stated Shkreli.  “Our stock price is set to rise 45% just on this one simple transaction.  Imagine what we can make once we raise prices on another 20 generic drugs that we just acquired.”

Investors of Turing and previous hedge fund clients of Shkreli are beaming with happiness today.  “This is a solid investment in ourselves today,” said elated stock holder Brenda Wilkerson.  “What Mr. Shkreli did today required courage, determination, lack of ethics, and insight into how to make a killing.  Thank you for your passion and kindness to share the wealth!!”

Reporters clamored to ask Shkreli what price he was going to charge for the 20 drugs he just acquired.  “Well, I believe the sky is the limit here.  People need drugs to survive and we can charge market value for these drugs now.  These folks were getting a wicked deal beforehand.  Now it is time for them to pony up.  I’m thinking of starting the generic HCTZ blood pressure drug just shy of 1 million dollars, maybe offer a Groupon for 100,000 off or something.  See, I give back to patients!”

Hedge fund managers, who also happen to make up 86% of hospital CEOs in the U.S., are flocking to Turing and thinking of taking similar actions in their hospitals.  “Why limit these amazing price increases to just drugs,” asked Memorial Hospital CEO Chuck Danders.  “We plan to raise the prices on 4 x 4 gauze from $1 to $120,400 and also finger wrap pulse oximeters should be priced at a minimum of 1.3 million dollars each, just the finger wrap too.”

“This is capitalism at its finest!  If people don’t want to pay these prices then they can either leave or die.  It really is as simple as that.”

  • Doktor Schnabel

    Plague doctor from 1622 who practices blood letting and medical satire. My beak has mint leaves and straw to protect myself from the plague...plus it looks good.

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