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Ever wonder why chicken noodle soup is good for the soul?  It’s because your soul is severely infected and needs to be treated with broad-spectrum antibiotics.  Next time you’re not feeling well, use this recipe to ensure a quick and speedy recovery!  It’s delicious, nutritious, and chock full of both gram-positive and gram-negative coverage.

vancomycin and zosyn soupRecipe makes 10 servings, assuming normal renal function.  The following ingredients can be found at your local grocery store or inpatient pharmacy.

Ingredients

2 cups of egg noodles
2 teaspoons of hand sanitizer
12 cups of chicken broth
2 teaspoons of salt
2 teaspoons of chicken seasoning
1 cup of chopped celery
1 cup of chopped onion
1 gram of vancomycin
3.375 grams of piperacillin/tazobactam (Zosyn)
500 cc of normal saline
3 cups of diced, cooked chicken meat
1 chopped scallion to garnish
40 mg of pantoprazole (Protonix) to garnish
8 mg of ondansetron (Zofran) to garnish

Step 1

Bring a small emesis basin of lightly salted water to a boil, then add egg noodles and hand sanitizer.  Boil egg noodles until tender, about 10 minutes.  Read about food poisoning and Salmonella.  Drain noodles when done.

Step 2

In a large emesis basin, combine chicken broth, salt, and chicken seasoning, then bring to a boil.  Add celery and onion, then reduce heat to a simmer.  Simmer for about 15 minutes.  Read about bird flu and Campylobacter.

Step 3

Gradually stir in the vancomycin, Zosyn, normal saline, and chicken until everything is heated well, about 5 minutes.

Step 4

Serve soup in a bedside urinal.  Garnish with scallion, Protonix, and Zofran.  Consider serving with a side of Ensure or Boost.

Step 5

Enjoy!

Step 6

Monitor daily creatinine and dose-adjust soup as needed.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.