SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Fitbit has released a revolutionary wireless-enabled wearable technology to help people measure data as related to the business of doing of number two, such as the quantity and quality of human excrement and the degree of odor potency. It is the next great thing and it is called the Sh*tbit Tracker.
“There is nothing in life more empowering than a nice, satisfying BM,” said Sh*tbit spokesperson Timothy Deuce. “Pooping doesn’t have to intimidating. We truly believe that you can achieve the crap of your dreams if you laugh, smile, and have fun, while straining in the privacy of your bathroom, trying to shake that turd free.”
Building upon the success of their Fitbit series, the Sh*tbit Tracker uses sensors and wireless technology on a device that straps around your non-wiping wrist to tell you everything you could ever want to know about your own dung: Am I constipated? Having diarrhea? How much? How soft? How hard? C. diff positive? Am I about to vasovagal? How long have I been in the bathroom? And my goodness, what time is it?
The Sh*tbit Tracker has a built-in heart rate and hemoglobin monitor in the event of hemorrhagic blood loss. The display features a fart-resistant touch screen and a beautiful, bright backlight for those times you absolutely need to poop in the dark. The package also includes a charging cable, rectal tube, K-Y Jelly, and Preparation H. The current retail price is $249.99 and it is available in several colors: light brown, brown, dark brown, bright red, maroon, and melanotic black.
“I love that I can look at my Sh*tbit and know not only that it’s lunchtime, but also that my potassium is holding stable despite the diarrhea,” admitted Sh*tbit user Carrie Manure, who has achieved her lifelong goal of daily BMs. “Wow, have I really discharged 10 kilograms worth of waste from my colon? That’s what I call a great day! Thanks, Sh*tbit!”