mother giving medical advice

Random Mom in Hospital Telling Everybody to Sit Up Straight & Eat Their Vegetables

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ATLANTA, GA – “COME ON, SIT UP STRAIGHT!!!” ordered a random Mom hanging around the floors of Georgia Medical Center (GMC).  “KEEP SLOUCHING LIKE THAT AND YOU’LL END UP HUNCHBACK LIKE YOUR UNCLE!!!”  This random Mom is known by the GMC hospital staff as Yes Mom, as in “Yes, Mom, okay, fine, I’ll do it, geez… sigh.”  So who’s Mom is this actually?  That’s the problem.  Nobody actually knows.

“You want me to ask her?” whispered surgeon Kurt Vincent to fellow surgeon Mara Stephens in the operating room (OR) with a hint of fear.  They are performing a laparoscopic colectomy.  “You ask her, I don’t want to get yelled at again.  She’s so bossy and mean.  Now shhh, we’re gonna get into so much trouble!”

“STOP CHIT-CHATTING!!!” instructed Yes Mom towards Vincent and Stephens.  “AND NO MORE TV UNTIL YOU’RE DONE WITH YOUR HOMEWORK!!!”  Yes Mom proceeded to turn off the laparoscopic monitor, then looked at the anesthesiologist behind the drape.  “THOSE COLORED SCRUBS DON’T FLATTER YOU, BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?!”

“She’s been here for several months actually,” explained Chief Medical Officer (CMO) Terry McMahon.  “We’re not sure who’s Mom that belongs to, but I can certainly tell you this: our hospital has never been more productive and I’ve never seen so many healthcare providers with such improved postures and less schmutz on their faces.”  Yes Mom interrupts our interview to wipe a little dirt off of the CMO’s left cheek before brushing her hands through his hair and giving him a big kiss on the cheeks.  “OH, I’M SO PROUD OF MY LITTLE CUTE CMO!!!  I CAN STILL REMEMBER HIS CUTE LITTLE BOTTOM WHEN HE WAS BORN!!  I HAVE PICTURES!!!  LET’S LOOK AT SOME PICTURES!!!”

Yes Mom has told arguing consultants to “PLAY NICE!”  She has told doctors to fix their chicken scratch and “WRITE NICELY FOR ONCE!”  She has told nurses to “STOP THAT RACKET!” referring to those beeping IV pumps and monitors; it’s giving her a migraine.  She’s told the voice behind the overhead announcements to “SPEAK CLEARLY!”  Yes Mom is telling everyone what to do.  No one is safe.  Even patients.

“DAMN IT, EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!!!!” she said before smacking patient Ian Johnson across the back of the head.  He’s recovering from an exacerbation of his congestive heart failure (CHF).  “TOO MUCH TV AND TOO MUCH JUNK FOOD.  STOP IT ALREADY!!!”

“Yes Mom has a certain way of making things happen while making you totally self-conscious,” explained respiratory therapist Alyssa Jones.  (“GREAT JOB!!!” said Yes Mom to Jones as she passed by.  “NOW ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS FIX THAT HAIR AND MAYBE YOU’LL FINALLY FIND A BOYFRIEND!!!”)  “I think you get the point.”

“She can be a lot to handle at times, but she sure does mean well,” explained hospitalist and Momma’s Boy Joseph McDonald.  “Last night, during a cardiac arrest, she managed to take over and run the code.  Not only did the patient survive, she managed to get that room straightened up, ironed every participating healthcare practitioner’s scrubs, and knit a beautiful blanket to keep the patient warm.  She even baked chocolate-chip cookies for everyone.  She’s swell!”

“Not going to lie, I love Yes Mom,” said pharmacist Erica Michaels, as she anxiously stares at the clock.  (In the background, Yes Mom is heard screaming, “DINNER’S READY!!!”)  Michaels smiles from cheek to cheek and heads straight for the stairs.  “See what I mean?  COMING, MOM!  I think tonight she’s making chicken pot pie.  I love chicken pot pie!!!”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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