SAN FRANCISCO, CA — An assembly of doctors who keep notes about the behavior of their patients grouped by astrological sign has released its findings. The group’s eighty-six page document includes these observations —
ARIES are upbeat and outgoing. They’ll tell the doctor about their kid’s soccer match and the gossip from work, stretching a fifteen minute visit to thirty-five. Symptoms might get mentioned after twenty minutes.
TAURUS is persevering and sensual. The first quality helps drug-seekers. The second one leads some Taurus patients to insist on a full-body skin cancer check during every visit — including ones to Cardio, and Ortho.
GEMINI patients are Intense and explorative. They can be a handful for any psychiatrist and will often ask to look into their past lives.
CANCER patients are empathetic. So much so that they like to ask what could be wrong with a “friend” who has erectile dysfunction or the clap.
LEOs are leaders who have opportunities fall into their laps. As a result, groin pain is their most common complaint. Falling opportunities can be heavy! Being leaders, they also tend to take control of the conversation.
VIRGOs are confident and analytical. These are the people who will google before, during and after their visit. Physicians must be up on the latest medical rumors when seeing a Virgo.
LIBRAs are diplomatic and charming. If a doctor is not careful, a Libra will bring four kids along and have the doctor diagnose and treat all of them—for the price of a single visit.
SCORPIOs are loyal and observant. Beware—advised to take lisinopril 40 mg once a day, a Scorpio may try to earn extra credit by taking 100 mg twice a day.
SAGITTARIAN patients are intellectual and philosophical. They’ve been known to debate whether it’s right to force a clump of mold to become penicillin. Crazy, right?
CAPRICORNS are humorous and practical, which means they play practical jokes. They have fooled doctors with a cell phone hidden in a pocket playing the murmur of aortic stenosis. A loud one.
AQUARIANs are especially honest. This mostly helps, though, when a drug-seeker’s wife blurts out, “Enough, Jerry. Tell the doctor why you really want the Percocet.”
PISCES are sensitive and kind. The kind part is OK, but keep lots of tissues on your desk and watch what you say!