OUTSIDE IN THE SNOW SOMEWHERE – GomerBlog is sad to report that Grandma was “found down” 3 days before Christmas during potential Santa Claus test runs as she got run over by yet another reindeer, sustaining several injuries and hypothermia, prompting her to get admitted to Holly Jolly Hospital.
“She’d been drinking too much eggnog,” said a granddaughter at bedside. “We begged her not to go!” The granddaughter went on explain Grandma’s decades-long battle with alcoholism, including a history of withdrawal and DTs.
“She forgot her medication,” added a grandson at bedside while her nurse entered “noncompliance” into Grandma’s problem list. “And she staggered out into the snow.” As far as the grandson reports, the Grandma does not use tobacco, marijuana, cocaine, heroin, or ecstasy. He shuddered when asked about her sexual history.
According to EMS reports, Grandma had “hoof prints on her forehead” and “incriminating Claus marks on her back.” Grandma’s wig was found one-hundred feet away from the scene of the attack. She was also found in a mixed puddle of urine, feces, and snow. She noted chest pain and right leg pain. Initial work-up in the ED revealed hypothermia, hypotension, tachycardia, elevated liver enzymes, and a right intertrochanteric fracture. ECG and CTPE protocol were negative. Unfortunately, she aspirated eggnog and was intubated.
Given her constellation of findings, Grandma isn’t doing too well. It’s no wonder Grandma’s medical team is concerned about the unusually light affect of the family.
“Well, for starters, they wrote a song about her man-versus-reindeer accident, and a rather happy tune at that,” explained critical care attending Randy Brooks, as he tweaked settings on Grandma’s ventilator. “She’s on the cusp, on the edge of life and death. We want a family meeting but where’s Grandpa? Watching football, drinking beer, and playing cards with cousin Mel.” He added later: “Some say he’s taking it well. Me, personally? He should be here at bedside. Some kind of husband he is.” Brooks shook his head and walked away.
Numerous subspecialties are involved in the care of Grandma. Meanwhile, police are on a nationwide manhunt for the driver of the hit-and-run on Grandma, describing the vehicle as “a red sleigh without a license plate pulled by numerous reindeer, one of which has a red nose” and the driver as a “fat, jolly man with a white beard, red pajamas, and a couple of lists with children’s names.” Police advised families to keep their children in safekeeping, saying that “he plays with elves, so who knows what’s going on in that sick mind of his.”
“What do I think?” asked the chaplain at Grandma’s bedside. “You can say there’s no such thing as Santa. But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.”