BOSTON, MA – In a response to rampant poor patient satisfaction scores and an overall demand of patients for more autonomy in their care, a group of internet start-ups have decided to open a network of hospitals where no physicians are required, where patients can receive care they are comfortable with based on their Google searches.
Primary care physicians can directly refer their most internet savvy patients straight to a WebMD and Wikipedia Clinic, where those “who looked it up” can dictate their care with ease and without frustration. No physicians to quote annoying things at them like “data” or “evidence” means a more peaceful hospital experience.
Every room will be equipped with personal iPads and a PACS monitor, where patients can even enter their own orders in the EMR based on their “online research.” A registered nurse can be available for any additional questions and to corroborate the physical exam.
Patient satisfaction is expected to skyrocket, which will make reimbursement very high and allow for more clinics to be built. Length of stay will likely be short as patients ultimately transfer themselves to bigger hospitals to get advanced care for their escalating medical issues, and the ever troublesome “bounce-backs” will be thwarted as patients realize they cannot navigate the internet while hypotensive and unresponsive.
Administrators are said to be incredibly excited to start this new venture into Patient-Driven Care and have declared this will revolutionize the health care industry. Construction is underway in Boston on the first clinic, a city in high demand by an educated patient population.