SAN FRANCISCO, CA – “11/10 pain?!?!” Dr. Zimban, an ER physician, proclaimed in astonishment. “Wow that is off the scale, I just can’t believe it.” The scale he was referring to is typically asked as part of the evaluation for patients to rate their pain. A value of 1 is just a little amount of pain and 10, the worst pain of their life.
“11 wasn’t even an option, the audacity to break the scale with their pain reporting is mind blowing,” he continued. “When 10 is the worst possible pain imaginable, the absolute worst, 11 is LITERALLY unimaginable pain.”
Dr. Zimban broke it down further for the reporters: “If you live on the 10th floor of your 10 floor apartment building, they live on the the 11th floor, which doesn’t exist! Or the square root of a negative number, time travel, ghosts, things that science cannot explain, that is where this patients pain is at.”
When asked by reporter Chuck Harris of the Associated Press how someone in that much pain got to the hospital and was still conscious much less alive Dr. Zimban responded: “That is the baffling thing, Chuck, she walked in and waited in the ED waiting room for over an hour, unrecognized.”
“That makes no sense,” Mr. Harris quipped.
“Exactly, there was major hiccup in our triage process. Don’t worry administration is all over this and conducting a thorough investigation.”
“No, I meant it is unbelievable that she was able to walk talk and function normally.”
“I agree, but neither does having an ‘11’ on a scale that only goes to 10! This is new territory, Chuck, one that the laws of science – as we know them – cannot explain,” Dr. Zimban said in amazement.
“So, if you aren’t familiar in treating this type of medical condition, what did you do?” another reported asked.
“In medical school we learn about a certain medication that is only to be used when the patient is in so much pain without any known reason. I am required to do a full workup with CT scans, MRI and when nothing is found – and trust me we couldn’t find anything – you call pharmacy for the ‘good stuff.’” Dr. Zimban went on to clarify. “This condition of 11/10 pain is not like my burn victims who were hit by a rolled-over, open-top knife truck, who are in 10/10 pain. No, they look like you and me, talk like you and me, are able to eat and talk on their cell phones like you and me. They just need a certain medication that we doctors withhold from everyone that has 10/10 pain or below.”
The national association for Burn Victims who were hit by a Rolled-Over Open-Toped, Knife Truck’s spokesman suggested that these patients were exaggerating their pain and actually degraded what his constituents have been through.