Patient Placed on “Crazy Precautions”

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MANHASSET, NY – In a concern for a serious outbreak of crazy, Near Shore-Middle Island Jewish Medical Center went on high alert and placed a clown admitted with pseudoseizures on crazy precautions. After the initial amusement of watching a clown convulse while making balloon animals wore off, practitioners became more concerned about the potential for the clown’s ailment to spread.

Suspicions arose after Dr Angie Na, a hospitalist caring for the clown, walked out of the room laughing uncontrollably, eventually crawling into a corner, suckling her thumb like an intern on July 1st. While burnout NOS and plain doctor loosing their sh*% could present in a similar passion, the suspicion for Communicable Crazy was on.

Next, Dr. Addie Pose, a psychiatrist with extensive exposure to the clown’s shenanigans started speaking in tongues. While some insisted that this was in fact how the graduate of Mahachkala Bestest Medical College in Dagestan talked at all times, concerns grew.

After the nurse taking care of the patients started juggling urine containers, while charting vitals with mustard on a bedsheet, an EEG was ordered. Gomerblog has obtained the patient’s EEG (without violating a single HIPPA ordinance) which confirmed the diagnosis.

Dr Hal D’Ole, in charge of crazy control at MS-MIJ subsequently placed the thrashing buffoon on the highest level of crazy precautions. Visitations were suspended. All practitioners were required to wear apeshit proof gowns and insane-resistant face masks. A bowl of haloperidol was placed by the room entrance, to be taken before and after clown contact. Psychocidal hand wash was to be used upon leaving the room.

After NS-MIJ admitted another clown, this one tasered by police for cartwheeling across downtown, the State Heath department dispatched an emergency response team to deal with the hilarious calamity at NS-MIJ. The reports from the field were worrisome. Task force leader Dr. Sarah Quell feared that the episode could eclipse the famous 1992 outbreak of catatonia among mimes. Dr. Val E. Um, second in command, reported to Gomerblog that what he saw was comparable to carnage caused by a crew of carnies who consumed a cryptic collection of colorful crustaceans in 2005.

In a joint press conference, the America Clown Association (ACA) and the CDC announced that all those who have been exposed to the clowns are being asked to stay in their homes and dial 1-800-MAY-BCRZY.

  • Livin La Vida Locum MD

    Livin La Vida Locum MD chose the most rewarding of all medical specialties and became a hospitalist. Wanting to contribute even more to the medical community, he trialed his hand at clinical research, but quickly realized that peer reviewed articles, R2,, and Odds Ratios will never top the impact of thorough healthcare reporting. So he dedicated his life to delivering the finest, deepest and broadest medical news from around the country. He accomplishes this monumental task by accepting locum assignments all over the country; in towns, villages and “hospitals” you never heard of and will never visit. May all fans of medical satire benefit from his wandering.

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