LAKEWOOD, CO – Despite Chipotle’s recent infectious debacles, it still has maintained the loyal support of its hardcore fanbase, who are easily willing to chance a little E. coli for a bite of their beloved burritos and burrito bowls. GomerBlog now reports that competitor Qdoba is looking to boost sales by offering free hepatitis.
“What Chipotle is dealing with is messy, no doubt,” admitted spokesperson for Qdoba, Johnny Qdoba. “But any press is good press, right?” Qdoba refers to Chipotle’s two-pronged attack of giving away free infections, followed by giving away free infected food is nothing short of genius. It now wants a piece of that same disgusting pie. “It’s clear that loyal customers will do some crazy-ass stuff,” said Johnny Q. “Time to put our fans to the test.”
Qdoba will be offering three types of hepatitis – A, B, and C – to give their patients a little more diversity and choice, indicating that some people may want a short-lived hepatitis A while others may want a “in it for the long haul” hepatitis B or C, depending on your vaccination status, complete with cirrhosis if untreated. Renovations are underway at Qdoba’s 600-plus locations: “Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work” signs are being taken down and soap dispensers are being emptied.
Qdoba says that once the infections are underway among the American public, they too will offer free infected food and watch sales paradoxically skyrocket. As Johnny Q simply put it while salivating heavily: “Infection + bad press + free food = CHA-CHING!!!”
Moe’s Southwest Grill may start offering free Salmonella soon, though they are still entertaining any of a variety of viral and bacterial infections. A spokesperson for Taco Bell says that they will not be offering any new infectious diseases at this time, “just the usual postprandial heartburn and diarrhea that you all know and love.”