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NEAR SHORE MEDICAL CENTER, MANHASSET, NY – Dr. Kim Okemo was perplexed to find six cryptic letters on the chart of a 92-year-old patient.  “DNR/DNI?” uttered Dr. Okemo, who acquired over three-thousand acronyms in the forty-eight years it takes to become an oncologist.  “What could it possibly mean?  Diagnosis Nebulous Re-consult? Dose Needs Intensification?”

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Mmm this DNR/DNI is so odd, what could it mean!?

Review of the chart of the patient whose ejection fraction is less then Dick Cheney’s, only deepened the mystery, with new and strange terms such as “Comfort Care” and “Hospice.”

Dr. Amy Loyd of Nephrology offered a plausible but unsatisfactory theory: “DNI?  Dialysis Now, Immediately!”  Radiation oncologist Dr. Al Farads was also not much help.  “DNR… Hmmm, doesn’t ring a bell.  Perhaps… Destructive New Radiation…?”

Worried she may have missed something during one of her three fellowships, Dr. Okemo checked the Oxford Textbook of Oncology: no luck.  Next she looked through the latest issue of Oncology Today.  Perhaps DNR/DNI was a brand new therapy or a diagnostic? Again, nothing.

In a last ditch effort, Dr. Okemo called the one man who always has the answer, local Stryker rep Pat Ella.  Quick on the fly as always, he pitched his idea: “DNR/DNI?  Of course!  Duly in Need of Reconstruction/Definitely Necessitates Implants.  I’ll be there in a jiffy with a full ortho tray… So what, if you are an oncologist.”

Not satisfied with ortho shenanigans, Dr Okemo took action.  She reported the unsafe acronym to the administration, requesting that DNR/DNI be added it to the list of banned abbreviations such as QID, QOD, OMG and WTF.

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Livin La Vida Locum MD
Livin La Vida Locum MD chose the most rewarding of all medical specialties and became a hospitalist. Wanting to contribute even more to the medical community, he trialed his hand at clinical research, but quickly realized that peer reviewed articles, R2,, and Odds Ratios will never top the impact of thorough healthcare reporting. So he dedicated his life to delivering the finest, deepest and broadest medical news from around the country. He accomplishes this monumental task by accepting locum assignments all over the country; in towns, villages and “hospitals” you never heard of and will never visit. May all fans of medical satire benefit from his wandering.