Hospital Enacts New BYOD Policy: Bring Your Own Dilaudid

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NEW YORK, NY – With patients treating hospitals like an a la carte restaurant or 5-star luxury hotel, hospital leaders at New York Medical Center (NYMC), at the unanimous urging of health care providers, are hitting back with a brand-new BYOD policy: Bring Your Own Dilaudid.

“You can come in with abdominal pain and sure we can admit you,” said emergency medicine nurse Erica McPherson.  “But we won’t be providing any Dilaudid.  BYOD.  What’s that?  You forgot yours?  Sorry, we don’t have any Dilaudid in this hospital.  Don’t you see the sign?  BYOD.  Bring Your Own Dilaudid.  Now zip it or get outta here!”

BYOD is based on the well-known BYOB policy, which stands for “Bring Your Own Booze, Bottle, or Beer,” thus indicating that a host will not be providing alcohol, but guests are welcome to bring their own.  All it took was a BYOB potluck dinner among some health care providers to bring a medical epiphany: a hospital BYOD policy puts the burden of pain management back on the patient!  BRILLIANT!

“Go ahead, bring your own Dilaudid or any other narcotic really, it’s yours,” said anesthesia pain specialist Reggie James, pleased with the new policy.  “You can have pain that no pain scale can quantify.  It can even be greater than 10.  Just know that when you’re in our hospital, you ain’t receiving anything that begins with a D.  The only D you’ll get is a discharge!”

Of note, there is already a new modified policy at NYMC that is gaining momentum called BYODD: Bring Your Own Damn Dilaudid.

In the few hours that the policy has been in place, patients are leaving emergency rooms and med/surg units against medical advice (AMA) in record numbers.  And if all goes well, they won’t be coming back any time soon.

“You know what pairs well with Dilaudid?” asked psychiatrist Allie Turnbow.  “BS.  It’s about time we replaced the old BYOBS policy with the new BYOD one.  Now we can actually focus on those patients who truly need our help.”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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