ATLANTA, GA – During a landmark press conference yesterday afternoon, CDC Chief Epidemiologist Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram implored mosquitos to wear small condoms during intercourse in order to stifle the spread of Zika Virus. “We now know that Zika Virus is a sexually-transmitted disease. So I beg all mosquitoes to wrap it up with teeny-tiny rubbers when things start heating up.”
The latex industry has subsequently enjoyed an uptick in investment due to anticipated production increases. Factories have been scrambling to design and manufacture microscopic contraception.
The recommendation, however, has been met with resistance by Vatican City and by conservative congress members, many of whom vowed to defund Planned Mosquitohood clinics in retaliation.
Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram begged the public to embrace the new recommendations. “The viral landscape is very fragile right now, especially after West Nile Virus was recently murdered by East Nile Virus in another ugly episode of virus-on-virus gang violence. The encroachment of Zika Virus into the turf of East Nile Virus could very well spark another viral gang beef, the likes of which the CDC has never before seen.”
To make matters worse, many mosquitoes have scoffed at idea of using condoms. In an exclusive interview with GomerBlog, Skeeter McBite, President of the Mosquito Vector Union and lifelong blood-sucking insect, promised that he wouldn’t be using any government-mandated contraception. “Listen, man, this is America,” said the bug. “It’s the Land of the Free. What I do in my bedroom is my business. I like the feel of copulating without protection. It’s my decision.”
“Plus I don’t like this characterization that me and my mosquito brothers need to use ‘tiny’ condoms,” continued the agitated, defensive insect. “It’s offensive to use that adjective. WHO ARE THEY SAYING IS TINY?! I’m not tiny! Ask any of my partners! Small wings don’t mean small things! I heard that CDC doctor referred to my wing size, saying that if my wings are small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you.”
When asked by GomerBlog if he had been tested for Zika virus, the mosquito terminated the interview and stormed off.